


Hogwarts a History - the Musical

by ComeSitInTheClover



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Multi, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29418726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComeSitInTheClover/pseuds/ComeSitInTheClover
Summary: This is the script for a musical/pantomime, so be prepared. Rated teen for swearing and some violence and death.During the second wizarding war, Bathilda Bagshot, Rita Skeeter, and Sybill Trelawney must find a way to keep themselves entertained after they are forced to go into hiding together, and so they end up recounting the history, present, and future of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft. (Which turns out to be very queer, because queer people have existed throughout time and space). But why did Rita and Sybill decide to lay low at Bathilda's? What is going on with Bathilda's memory issues? And will they be able to live with each other, or themselves?So many characters and relationships I don't know what to tag, oops.Also: this author does not support JKR's transphobic views.
Relationships: Albus Dumbledore/Gellert Grindelwald, Godric Gryffindor/Salazar Slytherin, Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 2





	Hogwarts a History - the Musical

**Author's Note:**

> Preformed by Bathilda Bagshot, Rita Skeeter, Sybill Trelawney, Peeves the Poltergeist, and the Sorting Hat :)
> 
>   
> Inspiration Credit to:
> 
> Lark and Jessie on The Gayly Prophet for inspiring me to re-examine this goddamned school,
> 
> The PixiePokers on YouTube for their glorious Lucius Malfoy Primadona Girl music video,
> 
> The team at Starkid and their Very Potter Musicals for inspiring lots of references,
> 
> And to the Harry Potter fandom as a whole for shaping how we see that universe and the characters, which I am 100% sure made it into this script.
> 
> Music Credit to:
> 
> Riddle TM - The Sorting Hat Song
> 
> Shane Blaire - Professor Snape
> 
> ABBA- Thank You For The Music
> 
> \- Waterloo
> 
> Tiny Little Houses - You tore out my heart
> 
> Marina - Primadona Girl
> 
> \- Fear and Loathing
> 
> Taylor Swift -We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
> 
> -You Belong With Me
> 
> Pantomime culture /myself? - Ghost Song
> 
> The Whomping Willows - Wolfstar
> 
> Elton John, Tim Rice, Jeremy Irons (Disney) - Be Prepared (Covered by annapantsu and PalmMute)
> 
> notliterally- Gryffindors (Katy Perry Parody)
> 
> \- We R Slytherins (Kesha Parody)
> 
> \- Sorted This Way (Lady Gaga Parody)
> 
> Meekakitty ft. Heyhihello - Wizard Love

#  **SCENE 1**

_Bathilda Bagshot sits at a desk, with her name-plate-paper-weight on it, surrounded by books and magical candlelight. Plus other Bathilda props: Photos, awards, old lady decoration choices (which I LOVE). She is writing with a quill on parchment._

_A rap comes at the door. A pause. And then another, more panicked._

**Rita:** Ms. Bagshot?! 

**Bathilda:** _(Looks up and flicks wand at the door) Alohomora._

_Rita rushes inside, and slams the door behind her, scared and bedraggled. Then pauses._

**Rita:** You shouldn’t do that.

 **Bathilda:** Do what?

 **Rita:** Open the door without confirming who is out there. I could be anyone. You could have let a _Death Eater_ into your house. 

**Bathilda:** What would a Death Eater want with _me_?

 **Rita:** _Bagshot._ You could be dead.

 **Bathilda:** _Are_ you a Death Eater? … uhm, who are you?

 **Rita:** _(Stops, shocked)_ You don’t know who I am?

 **Bathilda:** Should I? 

**Rita:** _(Walking around in a circle, touching windows)_ … Your windows are wide open …

 **Bathilda:** It’s summer.

 **Rita:** _(Senses for magic)_ Do you even have any barriers up? 

**Bathilda:** Barriers? That magic is too complex, I only use it in dire situations.

 **Rita:** This _is_ a dire situation. There’s a war going on. People are going missing left and right. Just last week Harry Potter _himself_ disappeared, and the Ministry fell to - to _You-know-who_.

 **Bathilda:** _(Suddenly shocked and scared)_ A war? _(Gets to her feet and points wand at Rita’s throat, snarling)_ Who are you?

 **Rita:** _(Puts her hands up/between them, as if pushing her away)_ Rita Skeeter. _(Bathilda does not respond)_ … Famous reporter? I was interviewing you, Bathilda Bagshot, last month?… about Albus Dumbledore? 

**Bathilda:** _(Lowers her wand)_ Albus, how is he?

 **Rita:** Dead.

 **Bathilda:** _(Looks shocked and turns away, touching her picture frames)_ A war, you say?

_Rita nods._

**Bathilda:** That makes a third one in my lifetime. 

**Rita:** I know. - Look, I came here for a safe place to stay. The free press has been disbanded and I’m in hiding. I thought you might- but it looks like you’re in more need than I. 

**Bathilda:** Well, I always welcome visitors. There are spare bedrooms down this hall, _(leads her stage right)_ take your pick. You know, I used to house students and family when I was younger. Well, a few decades younger.

_Stagehands move new furniture into place._

_Rita opens a door. The two women cough on the dust._

**Bathilda:** _(Reserved, saddened)_ Ah, I haven’t been in this room for ages.

_The furniture is rumpled as if looked through in a hurry, but there aren’t any possessions, only a photo of Bathilda and a younger Sybill and a few books on the bedside table._

**Rita:** Who used to stay here? _(Notices and picks up photograph)_ Who’s this?

 **Bathilda:** _(Takes photograph)_ That’s Sybilline Trelawney. She would stay here over the summer, when she was not at Hogwart - she was an orphan, her family were old friends of mine, before they passed … may in magic rest their souls. ...But Sybill left one year in the middle of the night, took forty galleons of my gold too. She was only sixteen. 

**Rita:** Sybill Trelawney? Why, I knew her at Hogwarts. She works there now, as the divination ‘professor’. She seems like the type to be a thief, everyone knows divination is a con art.

 **Bathilda:** _(Looking at the picture, lost in the past)_ Not Sybill. She’s a true seer. I remember seeing the future fracturing up inside her. She was too young to deal with the magic. The sight was passed down in her family, one witch at a time. When her mother died … _(Bathilda picks up a book on advanced charms from the bedside table and looks at it mournfully)_ Sybill didn’t know how to manage the power. It burst out of her, consumed everything else. Her interests, talents, they were but a meaningless distraction to the ‘divine gift’. _(Bathilda drops the charm book on the floor)_

 **Rita:** Well, yes, she’s quite the hermit. Stays all looked up in her tower at Hogwarts.

 **Bathilda:** _(Realising)_ Hogwarts. 

**Rita:** Yes?

 **Bathilda:** The Death Eaters took the Ministry - they’ll come for the school next. _(Rushes off stage left)_

 **Rita:** _(Runs after her)_ Ms. Bagshot?

**…**

#  **SCENE 2**

_Meanwhile, at Hogwarts: Sybill wakes in a panic. Sits up suddenly in bed._

**Sybill:** They’re coming. They’re coming to Hogwarts!

_Sits panting in bed, worried, puts her glasses on and looks at her clock, it’s four am. Sybill is panicked, she picks up a note at her bedside table, cautiously/emotions : fear, anger, resentment, and hurriedly throws stuff into a bag. Then she notices a picture in her drawer of Bathilda and her, she picks it up emotionally._

**Sybill:** Bathilda _…_

_Sybill makes her decision to go to Bathilda’s house, although she feels guilty, scared it’s too late to go back, misses Bathilda, still resents Bathilda a bit. She rushes towards stage right._

_Peeves enters stage right._

**Peeves:** Oooh what is Trelawney doing down from her tower? Lost another marble? _(Blows a raspberry and exits stage left)_

_Flitwick enters stage right._

**Flitwick:** Sybill! You’re downstairs- have you heard the news? The ministry has named Severus Snape headmaster!

 **Sybill:** ... _Severus (hurt/conflicted)_ \- it is happening- Flitwick, alert the others, _the Dark Lord’s followers shall arrive when the sun breaks the horizon._

 **Flitwick:** Will you stay? Us teachers may be able to protect the students, even with the Death Eaters in charge. 

**Sybill:** _(Clutches the note tighter in her hand, shakes her head)_ I cannot be here when they come.

 **Flitwick:** _(Nods, points stage right)_ There’s a passageway on the third floor, by my classroom. 

_Sybill passes Flitwick, he puts a hand on her shoulder._

**Flitwick:** Be careful, Miss Sybilline. Remember you have more than one gift. Charms can be exceptionally powerful in the hands of a talented student, such as you were.

_Sybill nods, but not as though she’s taking it in, and leaves._

**…**

#  **SCENE 3**

_At Bathilda’s house. Bathilda sits, looking at a military strategy/chess board in concentration and concern. Rita paces._

**Rita:** Can you put that away? _(Tries to disassemble the board)_ It’s late. You should be getting some rest.

 **Bathilda:** _(Pushing her away from the board)._ Why are you so concerned with my health? I’ve done fine on my own for the past one hundred and thirty eight years.

 **Rita:** Well, at least-

 **Bathilda:** And I won’t have any more of you telling me when to do things. This is my house and I shall work when I please. 

**Rita:** Fine. Just stay inside until I've put more protective spells up.

_There’s a knock at the door. Rita jumps. Bathilda moves to send an unlocking charm but Rita blocks her._

**Bathilda:** _Alo-_

 **Rita:** _(Whispering)_ No! We need to check who it is.

 **Bathilda:** Do you seriously think a Death Eater would knock?

 **Rita:** SHHH! It’s easier than using brute magical force to break your way in.

_Rita and Bathilda peep at who’s outside the door._

**Bathilda:** _(Shocked) …_ It’s her. Back after twenty years. _(Moves to open the door)_

 **Rita:** _(Stops her)_ It could be an illusion! And anyway, we have no way of knowing if she’s trustworthy- the last thing she did to you was steal your money!

 **Bathilda:** She’s trustworthy. _(Tries door knob again)_

 **Rita:** _(Blocking again)_ Ask her a question first. Something only she would know. 

**Bathilda:** Why did you run away?

 **Rita:** No! Something you know too. What was the color of your bedroom walls?

 **Sybill:** Periwinkle. 

_Bathilda pulls the door open in a tremendous slam, and Sybill stands, shaking, in the doorway._

**Bathilda:** Welcome home- back.

 **Sybill:** _(Stares at Rita) …_ Rita Skeeter. What are _you_ doing here?

 **Rita:** Have you got a problem?

 **Sybill:** _(Ignores her and shifts attention to Bathilda)_ You’re letting her stay here? After everything she’s done to you? 

**Bathilda:** Everything she’s done to me? 

**Sybill:** _(Enraged, lunges at Rita)_ YOU-!

 **Bathilda:** _(Catches Sybill)_ Now there, settle down. _(Takes Sybill’s bags and sets them down)_

_Sybill stops, looks around the room, taking it all in, trembling._

**Bathilda:** _(Guiding her over)_ Come sit, I’ll make some tea.

 **Sybill:** Teabags?

 **Bathilda:** Teabags. 

_Rita takes the seat furthest away and huffs. Sybill looks around, hugging her knees._

_Bathilda comes back with tea and hands a cup to Sybill._

**Sybill:** It’s strange to be back here. 

**Bathilda:** Yes. But good. Here, let me tell you a story. _(Opens Hogwarts a History by Bathilda Bagshot)_

 **Rita:** Not Hogwarts a History. I’ve never read it and I don’t plan to start now

 **Bathilda:** Don’t tell me you never even cracked open your own copy? It was required reading at school, I was quite proud of that.

 **Sybill:** And it’s required reading at this house. _(Smiles fondly, reminiscing)._ If you want to stay here you’d better listen.

_Rita sighs, but settles down._

**Bathilda:** _(Smiles smugly)_ Well, let’s start from the beginning now, shall we?

_The Sorting Hat Song by Riddle TM starts playing. Bathilda and company slide off stage right._

_The founders walk on in single file, two from each direction. They draw attention to their magical objects. Salazar is wearing a scarf (the rainbow one), Godric is wearing the sorting hat. They move some cardboard boxes to construct Hogwarts. The song ends, then We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift starts playing, and Salazar and Godric act through the years of their on-again-off-again relationship, with Helga and Rowena as the “you go talk to your friends talk to my friends talk to me” part. Throw owls across the stage instead of calling? The song ends and they exit the stage._

_Salazar runs on stage left, waving Godric’s hat, taunting him. Godric runs on behind him, chasing after the hat._

**Godric:** _(Tired, and cross)_ Salazar! For the last time, give it back!

 **Salazar:** _(Fake scandalized)_ Never! -What? Are you calling me a thief?! _(continues running, right into Rowena, who has entered stage right, and topples over)_

 **Rowena:** _(Hands on hips, looking down disapprovingly)_

 **Salazar:** Oh. Hello Rowena. What’s up. _(Points up to where Rowena stands above him)_

_Godric looks pleased at Salazar's bad fortune, but lends a helping hand and pulls him up like it’s second nature._

**Rowena:** Honestly. What are you two doing this time? We are supposed to be running a school, not running in the halls.

 **Godric:** And what’s so wrong with two extra troublemakers patrolling the corridors at night?

 **Salazar:** _(Glaring at Godric, speaks through gritted teeth)_ Godric. Not. Helping.

 **Rowena:** Hmph. Why did I ever hope that you’d keep Gryffindor in line … you’re just as bad yourself, Salazar. 

**Salazar:** Now, don’t say that Rowena. I’m nowhere near as half-baked as him.

 **Godric:** Hey! _(Upset)_ **  
****Rowena:** Exactly. You’re worse.

_Salazar wears an offended expression, Godric looks pleased._

**Salazar:** You won’t think that once you’ve heard his latest plan …

 **Rowena:** … and what is that?

 **Salazar:** Are you sure you want to know? May I remind you that all of Gryffindor’s ideas are as rusty as an old cauldron? … _And_ twice as explosive… 

_Helga strolls on stage right and crosses her arms at the remark._

**Helga:** Salazar Slytherin. Don’t sell your friend short now, I’m sure it’s a fine idea.

 **Godric:** Thank you Helga!

_Salazar rolls his eyes._

**Rowena:** Well, will someone tell me what it is?

 **Godric:** Salazar, give me my hat.

 **Salazar:** _(Hugs hat protectively to his chest_ ) And let you harm this marvelous, magical garment?! You have no right to demand such an unseemly thing, afterall, _I_ gave it to you.

 **Helga:** Actually I think Rowena-

_Salazar hushes her._

**Salazar:** And where are your manners, Oh “chivalrous Gryffindor” ?

 **Rowena:** _(Rolls her eyes and pulls out wand from sleeve)_ Accio hat! _(pleased hmph!)_

 **Salazar:** _Excuse me_ -

 **Rowena:** Here. _(passes the hat to Godric)_

 **Godric:** Thank you, _Madame_.

_Rowena rolls her eyes, and Salazar huffs angrily/jealously, crosses his arms._

**Godric:** So, my majestic plan is this: we know that we won’t be around forever, and when we’re gone what’ll become of sorting? Well, I have just the answer for you! I will charm this hat to give it legilimency and it will sort the students! It’s a perfect idea! The hat will be far more accurate at deciding the character of each student than we could ever be, _and_ it will be immortal, unlike us.

 **Salazar:** Not if I can help it …

 **Godric:** _(Oblivious)_ I call it the House-Deciding-Witching-Hat!

 **The others:** … 

**Helga:** That sounds … lovely.

 **Rowena:** The name needs some work. Hmm, I wonder, would it be sentient?

 **Salazar:** Are you seriously going along with this? This is clearly an act that could tip the balance of power and sorting in his favor!

 **Helga:** We’re _friends_! Trust in each other, you know Godric would never. 

**Godric:** Not that it would be so bad…

 **Rowena:** Hmm. Well, I suppose we will all need to maintain an even hand in the creation of this object.

 **Helga:** Alright, Salazar?

_(Make a choice, make a choice)_

**Salazar:** Do I even have a choice? It’s always all of you ganged up on me!

_(Make a choice, make a choice)_

**Godric:** You can’t have everything your way.

_(Make a choice, make a choice)_

**Salazar:** I can’t have _ANYTHING. (Cuts viciously through the air between them with his hand)_

 **Godric:** Ever consider that that’s because you’re _wrong_?!

_(Make a choice, make a choice, right in front of this crowd)_

**Salazar:** _(Snarls)_ Before your idiot self?

 **Godric:** Call me an idiot _one. More. Time. (Pokes his wand into Salazar’s chest)_

_(Make a decision right now!)_

_Salazar snarls and rips the ring off Godric’s finger. Godric freezes, shocked and heartbroken._

**Salazar:** I’ll call you what you are. A fool, like always. _(Aims wand elegantly at Godric’s neck, but fails to mask his complex emotions of sadness, anger, and_ evil _)_

_Helga jumps in between them._

**Helga:** Boys! Stop it! Stop it! This isn’t how friends sort things out! 

_They start circling._

_(Make a choice, make a choice)_

**Godric:** We were never _friends,_ were we.

_(Pick a path and stand your ground)_

**Salazar:** So much more and so much _less._

 _Godric flinches. They stop moving and raise their wands above their heads, (S)flourish like he’s better than him/(G)stiff, sharp, to the point, and_ angry _, to signal the start of their duel._

 **Helga:** _(Scared for herself)_ Don’t! _(Scared for them)_ Don’t hurt each other! You’re forgetting that you care about each other!

_(Make a decision right now)_

_They ignore her pleads. Godric gives a stilted bow, and Salazar sneers._

**Salazar:** _(Notices Godric waiting, and sneers)_ I won’t bow to you.

 **Godric:** I thought you stood for tradition? _(Snorts angrily)_ I know what you really stand for. _Hatred and selfish fear_.

_(Make a choice, make a choice)_

**Rowena:** _(Finally speaks)_ This won’t solve anything, you two, we can’t out match each other in battle. 

_(Make a decision right now!)_

**Salazar:** That may be true, but I’m tired of waiting. _(Rips off his own ring and turns on his heel, leaving at a brisk pace)_

 **Godric:** _(Reaches out after him) Sal-_

_(He made a choice, made a choice)_

_G looks at the rings on the ground, and stabs the sorting hat with his sword, before heading off in the opposite direction. Rowena and Helga are left, shocked. At that moment there is a loud explosion, a cackle, and angry shrieking from offstage._

**Helga:** What was that! Peeves?

 **Rowena:** No. It sounds like some of their students are fighting again.

 **Helga:** Maybe It’s not so bad, Rowena, they’ve been at each other’s throats as long as we’ve known them. 

**Rowena:** I don’t know Helga… 

_(He made a choice, made a choice. So they took a path and stood their ground. He made a choice, made a choice, tore them apart without taking a bow.)_

**…**

**Sorting Hat:**

_And the houses that, like pillars four, had once held up this school,_

_Now turned upon each other and divided, sought to rule._

_And for a while it seemed the school must meet and early end,_

_What with duelling and with fighting and the clash of friend on friend._

_And at last there came a morning when old Slytherin departed,_

_And though the fighting then died out, he left us quite downhearted._

**…**

#  **SCENE 4**

_Rowena sits on her knees, digging through parchment. Her face is covered in blood and dust._

_Helga walks onstage left somberly._

**Helga:** Etheldred didn’t make it, but the rest of the students are recovering.

 **Rowena:** That’s fourteen lost now.

 **Helga:** _(Gulps back a sob)_ I know- I-I know.

_Gryffindor walks onstage right and stows his wand away._

**Godric:** We’ve scoured the grounds, he’s gone. It’s over, Rowena.

 **Rowena:** No, it’s not. He planted something in the school. Dark magic, in its bones. He won’t be done until all our muggle born students are _dead._

 **Godric:** _(Defensive)_ Don’t- _(Corrects self)_ don’t say that Rowena. _(Reaches out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder)_ We’ll keep them safe.

 **Rowena:** _(Jerks away from his hand)_ And what a wonderful job we’ve done of that so far.

 **Godric:** _(Pulls hand back tentatively)_ We can’t give up the fight. We won this time and we’ll win again, as many times as we have to. 

**Helga:** _(Sits down beside Rowena and looks her in the eyes)_ The school still stands, Rowena.

 **Rowena:** _(Shakes head softly)_ I never meant to build a graveyard.

**…**

_A Basilisk slithers along the Hogwarts halls._

**…**

#  **SCENE 5**

_Back in Bagshot’s study, Rita has gotten up and sat on Bathilda’s desk, Sybill has gotten fresh tea and is calmer._

**Rita:** _(Yawns)_ Ugh. Boring. I can’t believe you rambled on about that all night. You know, Binn’s classes were half your fault, Bathilda. Your retellings are so dreary.

 **Sybill:** _(Pouring tea, and setting the cups up for tea leaf reading)_ There’s nothing wrong with dreary, I happen to love a good tragedy myself. Just because Rita Skeeter goes for the trashy gossip -

 **Rita:** _(Offended)_ If you don’t like me, why are you still here?

 **Sybill:** I could say the same for you.

 **Bathilda:** Ladies! Can’t we be more civil? We’re all fellow artists in need of a safe place to hide during this … tumultuous political period. 

**Rita:** _(Snorts)_ How is she an artist?

 **Sybill:** _The art of Divination_ . And the word is _war_ , Bathilda. Mars is _clearly_ prominent in the sky. I do believe I’ve told you thirteen times now.

 **Bathilda:** Oh. Yes, you must have ... The third one in my lifetime, the second in yours. 

**Rita:** _(Talking to B)_ Yes, yes, we know, _(rolls her eyes)_ but honestly, how can you even trust her?

 **Sybill:** Trust _me? You’re_ the one who has no place here. You should just leave if you hate it so much.

 **Rita:** Oh, like you did? 

_Sybill looks angry and embarrassed._

**Rita:** _(Feels bad, sighs)_ Look, I can’t just leave. This is the only place I could turn to. _You-Know-Who_ controls everything. I can’t write. I can’t work. Richard broke up with me, and now I have no camera man. So I’m stuck here, probably until I die, listening to your mind numbing stories, and now _you’re_ here too, to drive me as crazy as the both of you two are combined!

_Rita deflates, obviously upset, and grabs one of the teacups Sybill had set on the edge of the desk hungrily, as if on the edge of sanity, and starts gulping down tea. Sybill, who had settled on the armchair, jumps up._

**Sybill:** Careful! I was going to read the tea leaves! And don’t call us crazy. ( _Glances down at Bathilda's writing)_ Oooh! What comes next?

 **Bathilda:** This part is on the origins of the Triwizard Tournament. On December Fifthteenth, 1066 CE -

 **Rita:** No you don’t! I’m not sitting through another one of your “stories”. 

**Sybill:** Hmm. Yes, Bathilda, I’m not sure I trust your records after that clear erasure of the Scarf of Sexual Preference.

 **Bathilda:** That scarf is all urban legend, Sybill! You know that I do not include anything in my books that is not backed up by clear historical evidence. It dismays me that you’d suggest such a thing.

 **Rita:** Yeah, and can you imagine being given a label at eleven years old, in front of the whole school? It’s nerve wracking enough with houses!

 **Sybill:** _(Rolls her eyes)_ What, hiding something Rita? 

**Rita:** _(Flustered)_ No! Just because you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean everyone is.

 **Sybill:** _(Sips her tea)_ I didn’t say you were a _lesbian._ And imagine, if everyone was so open, we wouldn’t have so many homophobic people _(Glares at both of them, but mainly at B)._ Anyway, _Bathilda,_ the scarf _is_ historically founded. It’s just more difficult to find evidence for queer history because so many authors before you have erased it! I wish you wouldn’t slack so on your research for- _(loses steam)_ for people like _me,_ Bathilda _(hurt)._

 **Bathilda:** Are you insulting my writing? My over a century of work? _Sybilline Trelawney._

 **Sybill:** I’m not young anymore, Bathilda. Your full name trick won’t work on me.

 **Bathilda:** You’re a quarter of my age, Sybill. You’ll always be young to me.

 **Sybill:** Yes, better watch yourself, old lady, there are dark times around us. You wouldn’t want to fall ill at the premature age of 156. I’m afraid - AH! _(Passes out and sits back up stiffly, possessed, speaking in deeper, older tones)_ \- a terrible force - a serpent woven of dark magic, will consume you from the inside out until you are but a withering shell to fulfill its evil wishes. _(Awakes, dazed)_

_Silence._

**Bathilda:** _(Shakily)_ You - you have foreseen that? When? When will it happen?

 **Sybill:** _(Eyes widen)_ No. _(Pulls at face, afraid and guilty)_ What did _it_ say? 

**Bathilda:** Sybilline… you, … predicted my death.

 **Sybil:** No. It doesn’t have to be! It’s just one path, only if you choose to follow it-

 **Bathilda:** What is foreseen is foreseen. _(Reaches out to comfort her)_

 **Rita:** ... _(Looks concerned, then shakes her head and scoffs)._ Really? You believe this? 

**Bathilda:** Divination is a magical art, Rita. It is unwise to ignore things just because you do not understand them.

 **Sybill:** _(Smiles weakly)_ You do get it.

 **Bathilda:** _(Tilts her head slightly to the side, teasingly)._ Maybe. The scarf still has never been found.

 **Sybill:** _(Excited and animated once more)_ That’s because it was destroyed! Erased! Hidden! 

**Rita:** Hmph. You know, Bathilda. I bet I could write a better article on the origins of the Triwizard Tournament than you. Merlin knows I have the skills after my coverage of the most recent one in ‘94. I’ll just have to … sneak in a few interviews. _Buzz_ over to where the history is hot.

 **Sybill:** _Sure,_ go to Hogwarts … and _don’t_ come back. 

**Bathilda:** Rita. You mustn't go out. As you said, there’s a war going on.

 **Rita:** _(Smiles, touched that someone cares)_ I’ll be fine. I always have another form to wear. 

**Sybill:** _(Gasps)_ You’re an Animagus! So that’s how you eavesdrop on all those people!

 **Rita:** _(Disgruntled)_ A reporter must have her ways.

 **Sybill:** _(Snorts)_ A “reporter”, sure, _of libel._ You know what? _I_ should be a Historian! Yes, it makes perfect sense, I’m done with other witches’ shoddy jobs! 

**Rita:** Shouldn’t you stick to the future?  
 **Sybill:** Shouldn’t you stick to the present? And, you know, current events?

 **Bathilda:** _(Looks off to the side and mutters)_ Touché.

 **Sybill:** Ah! I’ve got to go read my crystal ball! 

_Sybill runs off stage right. Rita looks after her, shaken. She clicks her tongue._

**Rita:** Well. _(Smiles, looks like she feels more grounded again, less hopeless)_ I’m off to do some reporting _(winks)_ -

 **Sybill:** _(Yells from offstage)_ Sleuthing! - ahem, I mean - ooh I sense there shall be some sleuthing in the near future …

 **Rita:** _(Looks like she’s trying not to explode/ doing that going-crazy smile, takes a loud breath through her nose)._ Well, try not to turn into a snakeskin while I’m gone, old bat.

 **Bathilda:** What? Who are… oh well, you too I suppose _(has gone back to writing)._

_Rita heads off stage left with a swish of her emerald green cloak._

**…**

#  **SCENE 6**

_Peeves floats into the Hogwarts hallway, cackling._

**Peeves:** Well, Hello ickle firsties! I suppose I should introduce myself, seeing as there’s no prim Prefect around to do it for me. I am Peeves, the poltergeist and primary menace of this school - 

_Rita Skeeter sashays onstage right._

**Peeves:** Oooh! If it’s not the badly aging tattle tale! Well, well, _you’re_ not supposed to be here! Hmhm, I have a few things to tattle about you-

 **Rita:** _(Swatting the poltergeist aside)_ Bug off Peeves! I’m trying to go have an interview with the Fat Lady! 

**Peeves:** I don’t think she likes being called that.

 **Rita:** She doesn’t have another name! Now begone!

_Peeves blows a loud raspberry, and then stops suddenly, Severus Snape by M.O.M is playing in the background, Peeves grabs Rita’s arm._

**Rita:** Peeves! Don’t you know when to leave someone alone?

 **Peeves:** The headmaster’s coming.

 **Rita:** The headmaster - _(freezes, suddenly afraid)_ you mean Snape.

 **Peeves:** Quick, this way, I know a place to hide.

_Peeves and Rita scurry off stage right._

_Snape swaggers on stage left. Dramatic dance number! With backup dancers! Everyone exits. Peeves pokes his head around the wall, stage right._

**Peeves:** Is he finally gone? OK, OK, good,... _(goes onstage)_ Where was I? I am Peeves, the poltergeist and primary menace of this school - don’t believe a word the others say about Filch, or Mr. Moldywarts, or the overlarge bat that’s currently running the school, Severus Snape -- Urgg, he’s always messing with my flow like _(Snape impression)_ **“** BE GONE PEEVES, BEFORE I ALERT THE BLOODY BARON!” _(shudders)_ and then with that stupid song … hmm. Perhaps I should have something like that myself, a dramatic signal to notify everyone of my entrance! I mean, it would be just dreadful if I went around terrorizing people with no warning, wouldn’t it? How about, when I appear I say “ _Hello Everyone!”_ And you reply “ _Hello Peeves!”_ Let’s practice. _Hello Everyone!_

: Hello Peeves!

 **Peeves:** Ulg. No, no, that won’t do … Ooh! Hang me on a line and call me Merlin’s stockings! I’ve got it! When I say “ _Who’s the ugliest ghost?”_ you say _“Nearly Headless Nick!”_ So, who’s the ugliest ghost?

: Nearly Headless Nick!

 **Peeves:** Marvelous! _(Cackling)_ Oh, this is going to make him cry! 

_Runs off stage left, squealing._

_Rita enters stage left, sneaking along the hallway, and the Fat Lady in her frame, slides into view._

**Fat Lady:** Oh! Rita! What a pleasure to see you! _(whispers)_ What are you doing in the castle? 

**Rita:** I’m here to see you, I was hoping you’d be willing to partake in a particularly _historic_ interview.

 **Fat Lady:** Well of course! I don’t usually take a shining to Slytherins, you know, but I always liked you, Rita. You share my eye for the interesting gossip.

_Violet slides into frame, slinging an arm around the Fat Lady._

**Violet:** As do I! Don’t be forgetting me in your fame now, dearie.

 **Fat Lady:** Of course not, Violet.

 **Rita Skeeter:** So, ladies, can you tell me what happened here at Hogwarts after the first battle, the Founders battle?

 **Fat Lady:** Well, there was another war.

 **Rita:** Another war?!

 **Fat Lady:** Of course! The History of this school is mainly wars, Rita. Surely you can tell that by now. _(Gestures around)_

 **Violet:** Oh hush, it was hardly a war that time. In fact, if memory serves me, there was quite a lot of dancing, drinking, and juicy gossip.

 **Rita:** Seems like you have quite the story! Care to share with a friendly face?

 **Violet:** _(Giggling)_ I can hardly say no!

Hmm, it was just barely 100 years after the first war, the school was settling, and the founders had all passed on - magic rest their souls. On the last day before Yule break, just a wee bit before dinner, we portraits were greeted by a great fleeing, screaming, mass of students. Rather than the usual exhausted lot dragging their scroll bags. When I heard what the commotion was about I could hardly believe it! Two armies! One thousand strong each! Had lined up on the North and South sides of the grounds!

 **Rita:** How awful! Do tell!

 **Fat Lady:** It was 1066, you know, and whilst the muggle folk were dealing with viking raiders and an invasion from Normandy, _we_ were _cornered_ by those trifling Beauxbatons (bur-bax-tons)-

 **Violet:** -It’s _Beauxbaton_

 **Fat Lady:** Bwah-baton?

 **Violet:** _Beauxbaton_

 **Fat Lady:** Yes, well anyway, we were cornered by those trifling Boo-bate-ons and Durmstrang gits.

 **Violet:** Copycats. Completely unoriginal ripoffs of this here school. I always knew they were dead jealous.

 **Rita:** Well, what happened next ladies?

 **Violet:** _(Grinning)_ It’s quite a story …

_The three slide off stage right as Sir Cadigan runs on stage left, stressed._

**Cadigan:** _Friga!_ I definitely failed that exam. Big lot of help it did that that dusty old charms professor let me stay back to finish. Now I’ve only proven how thoroughly I can fail! I thought _you_ were supposed to help -- _(looks up and realises no-one’s there)_

Merlin? MERLIN!!! Where are you!? _(Eyes dart around)_ … a-anyone?

_Merlin runs on stage left sluggishly, out of breath. His arms are full of scrolls that he keeps dropping._

**Merlin:** Here! I’m -huff- here. Art- I mean, Cadigan.

 **Cadigan:** _Why_ do you keep calling me that Mer?

 **Merlin:** _(Spluttering)_ I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 **Cadigan:** For the last time, I’m not Arthur of the round table, you tosser, I’m better! I’m Sir Cadigan!

_Merlin’s face says otherwise._

**Cadigan:** Anyway, got any idea why this place is deserted?

_Screams sound from around the corner. Baguette Girl charges on stage right at Cadigan, baguette raised. Yaroslava is at her heels._

**Cadigan:** Never fear sweet maiden! I will defend you! _(Fumbles with sword)_

 **Baguette Girl:** _Ta gueule!_ _Allez_ , _Degage_ British scum! _(Flips him off the british way) Rictusempra! (hexes him with the baguette)_

_Cadigan falls to the floor in giggles (tickle charm)_

**Cadigan:** _(In between giggles)_ Did she just hex me with a BAGUETTE??!!

 **Merlin:** _Protego!_ _(kneels down next to Cadigan)_ We’re under attack. Beauxbatons and Durmstrang are trying to conquer the school.

 **Cadigan:** I could tell _that_ much …  
 **Yaroslava:** Vat is this?! Vere are the rest of the students?!

_A roar and the responding screams of “DRAGON!!!” are heard from backstage. The Dragon bursts out from the back of the stage. They scream, and run to the stage right, downstage. The dragon paces upstage._

**Baguette Girl:** Jesus Christ! It’s a freaking Horntail! 

**Merlin:** Actually, I believe that is a Welsh Green --

 **Yaroslava:** Vat are ve supposed to do! Durmstrang cannot defeat a dragon AND conquer a school!

 **Baguette girl:** Neither can Beauxbatons! This island is ridiculous!

 **Cadigan:** _(Stumbles to his feet, grinning)_ A dragon? This looks like a job for Sir Cadigan--

 **Merlin:** _(Sticks out an arm to hold his friend back)_ Steady there. We don’t want to help them. Hogwarts can hardly defend from two armies and a dragon either.

 **Cadigan:** _(Moodily)_ So what do _you_ propose then?

 **Merlin:** _(Smirks, then turns to face the group)_ I propose a deal. Each school shall select a champion, their brightest and strongest student, to fight the dragon. Whichever school succeeds in defeating the dragon will win this land. 

_Slowly, the other two begin to nod._

**Yaroslava:** I am Viscount Yaroslava. Top of my year at Durmstrang. I vill slay this beast and raid this castle!

 **Baguette Girl:** _(Scoffs)_ Like your lot could ever. I am Agenilde Pan, Quidditch Captain and Bake-Off Champion at Beauxbatons Academy! I shall lead my school to victory!

 **Cadigan:** And I’m Sir Cadigan! Knight and, um, … student of Hogwarts! 

_Merlin elbows Cadigan in the ribs._

**Cadigan:** Ow! Oh. Mer here is weirdly attached to the idea that I might be like _King Arthur_ reincarnated or something.

_Merlin pinches the brim of his nose, looking like he is two seconds away from throwing all the scrolls down and giving up._

**Merlin:** Well then. Let the Tournament begin! 

_Yaroslava runs towards the dragon, which throws ‘fire’ at them._

**Merlin:** \-- And there they go! Yaroslava is flying into the pit, fire already scorching at their heels! 

**Yaroslava:** _Stupefy!_

 **Merlin:** They send a stunning curse -- and it does nothing but aggravate the creature --

 **Baguette Girl:** Haha! Durmstrang is full of losers! 

**Cadigan:** Right! You’re just like the head loser! The most losery-loser!

_Baguette Girl wrinkles her face in disgust at Cadigan. He shifts awkwardly, and stops making the loser-L on his forehead._

**Yaroslava:** _Mordio!_

 **Merlin:** A quick thinking stinging hex! Ooh, but they miss, wildly miss --

_Cadigan howls in pain, stung by the hex._

_The dragon throws fire directly at Yaroslava._

**Merlin:** The dragon zeros in with fiery rage and-- 

_Yaroslava runs away from the dragon_

**Merlin:** Oh no! Yaroslava is out of there! Who knew Bulgarians were so averse to the heat!

 **Yaroslava:** _(Cowering in the stage left corner)_ I do not like fire.

 **Baguette Girl:** _(Dusts robes off, smirks)_ Get ready for this one. _(Starts toward the dragon)_

 **Merlin:** And Baguette Girl is in the running!

 **Baguette Girl:** _(Stopping and turning around)_ _Éh! PUTAIN DE SAXONS! C’est pas mon nom!_

 **Merlin:** I have no idea what she’s saying. No, that’s a lie, I just don’t care to translate.

_Baguette Girl raises her baguette and charges towards the dragon, hitting it on it’s head._

**Merlin:** She charges right at the creature -- perhaps hoping to offset its balance with a hard hit to the noggin with her breadstick? -- 

_The dragon raises a ‘claw’ and reaches for Agenilde’s side. (Skittles for blood?)_

**Merlin:** But no! The claws take a retaliating strike! 

_Agenilde stumbles, clutches her side, but then straightens back up and raises her baguette._

**Merlin:** She’s bleeding but she’s not going down yet! 

**Baguette Girl:** _Fulmen Tempas! (Throws a lightning bolt at the dragon)_

 **Merlin:** Storming the dragon again with a storm spell, she attempts to breach the scales with a bolt of lightning from her baguette wand!

 _The dragon shakes, and roars again, rushing towards Agenilde, who jabs it with her baguette._

**Merlin:** And when that doesn’t work, she jabs the beast with it! OK! That didn’t work before but -- 

_The dragon roars_

**Merlin:** No, yet again the dragon is unimpressed. 

_The dragon throws ‘fire’ at Agenilde, who screams and shakes her robes, panicking._

**Merlin:** Ooh. Urg. STOP DROP AND ROLL!!!! 

_Agenilde Stops, Drops, and Rolls._

**Merlin:** Sorry! Didn’t mean to help, just - ahh! - couldn’t stop myself that looked awful and 

_Agenilde gets up shakily, and steels herself, raising her baguette again. Determined._

**Merlin:** \-- wait, WHAT is she doing?!

_Agenilde runs towards the dragon, baguette outstretched._

**Merlin:** Charging it AGAIN? Against all proper sensibilities?! _ELLE EST TRES STUPIDE!_

 **Baguette Girl:** _(Looks over her shoulder at him) Casse toi espèce de connard!_

 **Merlin:** I can’t watch - no, I can’t take my eyes away - 

_Agenilde swings her blade._

**Merlin:** and she - 

_The dragon raises a claw._

**Merlin:** the dragon raises a claw--

_The dragon ‘claws’ her face._

**Baguette Girl:** _PUTAIN! (Crumples to the ground, holding her eye)_

 **Merlin: --** ERG!!! _That’s_ gory! 

_The dragon turns to see Merlin and Cadigan and comes closer._

**Merlin:** _(Frantic)_ OK, OK, only one champion left! Can he defend Hogwarts and slay the dragon?

 **Cadigan:** Are you kidding? I’m a _knight_! I was born for this.

 **Merlin:** He’s Sir Cadigan!

_Cadigan charges into battle, and whistles for his noble steed._

**Cadigan:** Come hither to me, my noble steed, and we shalt lay to waste these scoundrels and mangy dogs! To me! To me!

 _One of those horse heads on a stick is thrown around the wall to Cadigan. Cadigan mounts the horse._ _Cadigan starts sword fighting the dragon, with the inconvenience of trying to fight while running around with a fake horse on a stick between his knees. He fumbles with his sword and wand, tumbling when he tries to pick up his dropped sword, while Merlin struggles to narrate the haphazard events._

 **Merlin:** And he- Ah! Wait! 

**Cadigan:** _Alohomora!_

 **Merlin:** Not that spell! -- You idiot! -- Pick up your sword!!

_The dragon throws the sword out of the window._

_Cadigan cries out for it, heartbroken/afraid._

_The dragon swoops in on Merlin._

**Merlin:** Oof. _(Knocked out)_

 **Cadigan:** _(Runs to Merlin)_ MER! MER! Are you alright!? _(Shakes Merlin’s unconscious body)._

 **Baguette Girl:** What the hell do we do now?

 **Yaroslava:** Stand back _(Kneels down by Merlin, quickly feels for a pulse on his wrist, nods and steps back)_ \-- _Envigorate!_

_Merlin snaps awake._

**Merlin:** Wha- where am I? What happened?

 **Cadigan:** Oh thank god Mer! I thought you were dead _(hugging him)._

 **Yaroslava:** He vas breathing … surely you felt for a pulse?

 **Cadigan:** Umm…

 **Baguette Girl:** Let’s not forget what really matters! Who wins? 

_The dragon roars from behind them. They scream and cower._

_Yaroslava sends a hex at the dragon._

**Yaroslava:** _Mordio!_

 **Merlin:** In the eye! Yes! _(Chucks a potion at it)._

_The dragon roars, infuriated and blinded, and spits fire at them._

_Merlin howls, holds his side and drops to the floor._

**Yaroslava:** _(Drops wand) Friga!_ My robes are on fire!

 **Baguette Girl:** _Augumentia!_

_Yaroslava stumbles to the ground, but they breathe a sigh of relief because they’re not on fire. While Agenilde’s back is turned, the Dragon flies at her._

_Cadigan dives behind her to protect her from a strike from the dragon, pushing its arms to keep its claws away, but its body barrels into her and she’s knocked to the floor. The dragon claws at Cadigans eye. He screams in pain and falls to the floor, holding his eye. Cadigan cowers alone, the last one between the dragon and the others, he has no sword. He thinks he is about to be killed, but then -_

**Merlin:** _(Struggling to pull himself up to a sitting position, points at the sorting hat which flies in)._ DUCK! 

_The sorting hat comes flying at Cadigan and knocks him flat to the ground. He sits up, dazed, and pulls the ruby-encrusted sword of Gryffindor out of the hat._

_(Make a choice!)_

**Cadigan:** Wow. _(Runs hand along sword)_

 **Merlin:** _(Begging)_ Move! 

**Cadigan:** Oh. Yeah. 

_Cadigan stands up and delivers the killing blow, led by the sword because he has been clawed in the eyes, (YELL!), and the dragon falls offstage, leaving it’s skin + skittles. Cadigan stands panting for a few beats while the rest lay on the floor. Then he sits beside Merlin._

**Merlin:** _(Collapses back down in relief)_ I can’t believe it. We’re alive.

 **Yaroslava:** Ve did it. Ve slayed a dragon.

 **Baguette Girl:** Together. 

**Cadigan:** This calls for celebration!

 **Baguette Girl:** A Yule ball!

 **Cadigan:** I sure could use some mead.

 **Merlin:** Or an AGE APPROPRIATE drink!

 **Yaroslava:** SHLUUURP.

_They all look up to see Yaroslava drinking the blood of the dragon._

**All:** What the fuck?!

 **Yaroslava:** Vat? I vas thirsty.

 **Baguette Girl:** Thirsty for _blood_.

 **Yaroslava:** … yes.

 **Cadigan:** _Wicked_ . Wicked _cool._

 **Merlin:** Actually, this makes sense …

 **Baguette Girl:** I- I- fine. You do you and all that.

_Yaroslava goes back to slurping up dragon blood. The rest take a moment of silence to, well, rest. They help each other with injuries._

**Madame:** _(Enters stage right)._ What the hell is going on here! 

_They freeze. All is silent except from Yaroslava slurping up the dragon blood._

**Madame:** Agenilde, what happened to you? We’re supposed to be conquering! _Tout va s'emmerder sans toi!_ My other students are useless! Absolutely no eye for battle strategy or baking!

 **Baguette Girl:** _Allez ca va,_ Madame, _c’est pas grave,_ Sir Cadigan won, the land is still theirs.

 **Madame:** _(Spluttering)_ What??? Who??? The-the LAND?! _Co-Comment?_

 **Baguette Girl:** We made a deal, whoever could slay the dragon would win the land, and Sir Cadigan struck the killing blow.

 **Yaroslava:** He von, fair and square. Durmstrang vill retreat.

 **Madame:** He-You-What?! What?! Who are you? Agenilde! THE LAND!!! We can’t just leave the Saxons in control! So many of our people are moving to this country!

 **Merlin:** Actually, we’re in Scotland.

 **Cadigan:** Yeah.

 **Baguette Girl:** See? _(Stands up and starts guiding Madame offstage)_ Let’s go have a party instead to celebrate all not dying, _d’accord_?

**…**

#  **SCENE 7**

_The champions enter the Yule Ball. Cadigan clings to Merlin’s arm._

**Cadigan:** I always forget how much dances freak me out. What if I’m stuck without a partner!

 **Merlin:** It’ll be OK. … You can always dance with me if you want…

 **Cadigan:** What will people say, Mer? You’re a _Slytherin_. Gryffindors don’t dance with Slytherins.

 **Merlin:** So what? We’re already friends!

 **Cadigan:** Yeah, and no one likes or trusts us because of it. Look, Mer, no Gryffindor has been with a Slytherin since - well since Gryfindor and Slytherin! And everyone knows how that ended. 

**Merlin:** So what? You just care about what they’ll think now? 

**Cadigan:** _(Looks at his shoes)_ … Merlin, I - Oh look! It’s that french girl! Fair maiden! You look so lonesome! Never fear! I shall dance with you! 

_Baguette Girl is brushing off a crowd of suitors. She looks up._

**Baguette Girl:** Oh. Um. _Salut,_ Sir Cadigan, Merlin.

_Merlin waves awkwardly._

You do not have to worry about me. I do not -ehm- _desire_ a partner. _(Gestures over to Yaroslava)_ They, however…

_Cadigan snaps his focus to Yaroslava, who walks over to join them, glass full of a suspiciously red liquid._

**Baguette Girl:** I still can’t believe you’re a vampire.

 **Yaroslava:** Vell. Hello to you too.

 **Cadigan:** Does dragon blood even count?

 **Merlin:** Yes. It does. And no, you’re not allowed to convert.

_Medieval music starts playing._

**Yaroslava:** Ooh! I love this vun!

 **Cadigan:** So- um-

 **Yaroslava:** Merlin, was it? Care to dance?

 **Merlin:** Oh- I- OK then.

 **Cadigan:** _(Looks lost and betrayed for a moment)_ … Um, Lady … Baguette?

 **Baguette Girl:** _(Softly taking his hands)_ It’s Agenilde.

 **Cadigan:** Oh, yes. Of course. … So, what you said earlier…

 **Baguette Girl:** What did I say?

 **Cadigan:** About not wanting a partner?

 **Baguette Girl:** Well, I like to dance, but I don’t want all the marriage propositions. It’s just not me. _Je veux juste faire des baguettes magiques pour tuer les bêtes, et aller à l'école avec mes amis, tu sais_ _?_

_Cadigan looks over at Merlin. Then looks down, troubled, at their joint hands._

**Baguette girl:** _Oh…_

 **Cadigan:** Oh? What are you talking about?

_Baguette girl gestures with her head over to where Merlin and Yaroslava are dancing._

**Cadigan:** What- no! … I can’t.

 **Baguette Girl:** Oh stop with that! You just killed a _dragon_ ! Don’t tell me you can’t. You propositioned _me_!

 **Cadigan:** It’s more complicated than that.

 **Baguette Girl:** _C’est n’importe quoi._ Just - _comment on le dit? eum -_ go with your heart.

_The song ends, and Baguette Girl twirls Cadigan into Merlin’s arms as the change partners._

_They pull slightly away from each other, shocked._

**Cadigan:** Um-

 **Merlin:** I- Sorry- _(pulling away further)_

 **Cadigan:** _(Pulling Merlin’s hands back)_ Don’t be stupid. _I’m_ sorry, Mer.

 **Merlin:** Oh. _(Realisation) Oh._

_They dance._

**Cadigan:** Merlin, you’ve done so much for me, these years at Hogwarts. 

**Merlin:** I couldn’t imagine spending them with anyone else.

 **Cadigan:** It’s nice- to dance with you.

 **Merlin:** _(Soft/ breathless)_ Yeah. 

**Cadigan:** And now you don’t have to worry about getting murdered by a Vampire.

 **Merlin:** _(Laughs. Looks down at their joined hands, sadly)_. Cadigan, don’t make me play the fool again.

 **Cadigan:** We both know _I_ will always be the fool. Especially for you.

_The song ends and they regroup._

**Baguette Girl:** This has been a pretty fun invasion.

 **Yaroslava:** Agreed. 

**Merlin:** What are you saying?

 **Baguette Girl:** We should do this again sometime - without the war bit though.

 **Cadigan:** Like an international school tournament?

 **Yaroslava:** Vell, not quite international, just our schools.

 **Cadigan:** So a Tri-Wizard Tournament?

 **Merlin:** Hey-

 **Baguette Girl:** Exactly.

 **Merlin:** Uh- Guys, do we have staff approval?

 **Yaroslava:** Ve vill.

 **Baguette Girl:** _(Sharing a conspiratorial glance)_ Don’t worry about it. 

**Cadigan:** All in favor?

 **All:** Aye _(toast)_

**…**

#  **SCENE 8**

_Back in Bathilda’s office the three witches sit._

**Rita:** And so, that concludes my excerpt on the supremely spicy first ever Triwizards Tournament!

 **Sybill:** _(Applauds)_ Marvelous! _Actually_ marvelous! I sense a fruitful historic writing career in your future!

 **Bathilda:** Yes, yes, I suppose you have all learnt the lesson that history is just as intriguing and exciting as modern events and all that.

 **Rita:** No thanks to you! I think we can all agree that I am the only one with true writers talent in this room. _(Looks to see Sybill’s seething expression)_ I mean, your prophecies don’t really count, do they?

 **Sybill:** They very much do count! They are formed in my prophetic poetic mind! 

**Rita:** Well, alright …

 **Sybill:** So, what’s next Rita?

 **Rita:** I … don’t know …

 **Bathilda:** Hmm.

 **Rita:** Gah! Alright Bathilda, I suppose you’re still important - what’s the next thing?

 **Bathilda:** Well, there was a very historic re-scaffolding of the West Wing --

 **Rita:** Let me rephrase -- what was the next _interesting_ thing that happened?

 **Bathilda:** You can’t just make me choose like that! So much happens! _(Ruffling through papers and drawers)_ Hmm, I mean, there was a particularly revolutionary influx of muggle culture into Hogwarts and thus our world in the early 1600’s.

 **Sybill:** Shakespeare! That’s the time Shakespeare was alive, wasn’t it?

 **Bathilda:** Certainly, yes, how did you know? I don’t believe it is touched upon in History of Magic class.

 **Sybill:** No, but it was touched upon in _Skeeter’s School Scandals_ , in a piece that has been forever burned into my skull by the force of the fiery disaster that followed. Which may or may not be the actual reason I avoid meals in the Great Hall … bad memories … 

**Rita:** No. Not that article. Not the QSA Drama Club. 

**Sybill:** Yes, the QSA Drama Club.

 **Bathilda:** Urg. Them? Do we have to talk about that lot? They were dreadfully annoying when I was at school. I think history is fine without them.

 **Sybill:** History fine without them?! You’re the one who just brought up the importance of witch and muggle cultural exchange! 

**Bathilda:** I did? … _(dazed memory fog)_

 **Sybill:** Bathilda? You did. We were talking about Shakspeare-

 **Rita: -** Yes, but Sybill, they were so weird.

 _Sybill glares at her._

**Bathilda:** And their attitudes! Sometimes ‘sass’ is just _mean._

 **Sybill:** You lot are ones to talk… last I checked they were simply queers--

 **Bathilda:** And allies! 

**Sybill:** _(Rolls her eyes) And allies,_ with a passion for the arts. See? We’re not too far off ourselves … not that they couldn’t be a nasty bunch at times.

 **Rita:** But _my_ article? It’s from an almost literally painful interview with Gilderoy Lockhart, I do not want to relive it. Or think about my old work. It is so embarrassing!

 **Sybill:** Oh yes. Could have helped if you’d thought about that before posting your ‘Exposés’ all over school, but it’s far too late now - I can see the parchment clear as day:

_The December Twelfth 1974 Evening Edition-_

_The Unsavory Secrets and Entrancing Origins of Tonight’s Spectacle_

_At dinner this evening, all students and staff will be presented with Hogwarts’ annual Yule pantomime - except, of course, those who are involved in its production. These actors and stagehands are wrapped up in a truly shocking scandal! But first - have you ever wondered about the club behind it - especially with such a perplexing name as The Queer Drama Club And Allies Can Join Too I Guess? More commonly dubbed The QSA Drama Club, it has its origins in the student body of 1607, where the muggle William Shakespeare’s works met a magical audience …_

**…**

#  **SCENE 9**

_A teen boy (Framlinggim) in Shakespearian garb and Hogwarts school robes, lounges against the castle hallway wall (there are posters about the little Ice Age, History of Magic, and school clubs) thumbing through a copy of Othello, looking bored._

_Two other kids (Dycker and Barbary) swagger onstage right._

**Dycker:** _(Sneering)_ Oh behold hither, Barbary, ‘tis Framlinggim of the straight and narrow path.

 **Barbary:** Oh, beest t him, Dycker? And what muggle trash art thee reading, Framlinggim? _(Rips the play out of Framlinggim’s hands)_ “Othello”? _(Throws book on the floor)_

 **Dycker:** _(Spits on the book)._ Hmm? Did get nothing to sayeth, fool?

 **Framlinggim:** I wast but surprised yond thee couldst readeth, Barbary. _(Turns to face Dycker)_ I bethought they were illiterate, what after yond Troll they did get on the last test. 

**Barbary:** Sayeth yond to mine own visage, scum. 

**Framlinggim:** Thou art not worth another word, else I'd call thee knave. 

_Barbary launches themself at Framlinggim, but Dycker catches them and holds them back._

**Dycker:** I would alloweth them to breaketh thy nose, if't only thou wert clean enough to spit upon!

 **Framlinggim:** _(Snorts, and picks book back up)_ I can't bringeth myself to beest afraid, after all, thee has't nay more brain than I has't in mine own elbows. 

**Dycker:** YOU- YOU BRANBURY CHEESE!

 **Framlinggim:** Sure. 

_Dycker and Barbary stew and splutter._

_Willoughby and Fortune enter stage right, holding signs saying ‘save the squid’ and ‘students for the squid’._

**Dycker:** Oh ho! Beest yond Willoughby and Fortune? Whither art y'all headed if't be true not to Professor Binns’ class?

 **Willoughby:** Yond old and fusty sir's class? I has't important calleth to duty I wilt answer, Dycker, I wouldst not waste mine own time thither on a day liketh this, and neither shouldst thee 'r those folk! Cometh 'long, Dycker, Barbary, join us in the square!

 **Barbary:** The square?

 **Willoughby:** The protest to protecteth the infant squid, of course!

 **Barbary:** Isn't it an invasive creature?

 **Willoughby:** Tush tush! ‘Tis but a babe! I'm certain it gets on fine with all the merpeople and grindylows and such!

 **Dycker:** Well, I applaudeth thee for thy drive and courage in the valorous square f'r such a gentle causeth, but we needeth to studyeth - liketh, very much needeth to studyeth. 

**Willoughby:** Thou art traitors of the pansy gang! Turning thy backs on this poor beast, f'r shame!

_Framlinggim snorts._

**Willoughby:** Fie. Is yond Framlingim of Thou Shalt Not Commit Sodomy? -- Waiteth -- is yond he reads Shakespeare?

 **Barbary:** Aye, the muggle trash-

 **Willoughby:** But! But! Yond stuffeth est gay!

 **Framlinggim:** Uh. A did bite?

 **Barbary and Dycker:** What!?

 **Willoughby:** Waiteth - doth y'all not knoweth!?

 **Barbary and Dycker:** Nay… eth

 **Willoughby:** I- I-

 **Framlinggim:** Fie. ‘Tis just yond muggles alloweth not women to beest actors, so ‘tis all did play by men. 

**Barbary:** Even- even the romances?

 **Framlinggim:** Aye. Just men in drag. 

**Dycker:** Wow! I didn't knoweth muggles were so merit!

 **Framlinggim: ‘** Tis not merit? ‘Tis misogynistic?

 **Barbary:** We shouldst putteth on a playeth ourselves! Starteth a Shakespeare club!

 **Dycker:** Ooh! Aye!

 **Willoughby:** Framlinggim, thee couldst join.

 **Framlinggim:** _(Looks shocked that people are being kind to him, then shakes the almost smile off his face and puts his nose back in his book)_ I doth desire we may beest better strangers. 

**Willoughby:** _(Offended)_ Tiss- fine. Malapert... Alloweth us wend, Fortune. 

**Fortune:** Aye! Alloweth us wend forth on our mission to putteth potions in the water to turn the whoreson squid gay! 

**Barbary:** Farewell dear cater-cousins! Beest queer and commit felonies - urhm, skipeth class!

_Willoughby and Fortune leave stage left._

_Barbary and Dycker prattle excitedly about Shakespeare. A ghost strolls onstage left._

**Binns:** Students, class hast begun. Cometh in anon. 

_Framlinggim starts to follow him in, still reading, but stops dead in his tracks when he hears the strangled cries of his classmates behind him._

**Dycker:** _(Clutches her chest and rocks backwards)._ Eeeeeeeeeeek ….. sir?

 **Barbary:** VALOROUS GAY JESUS! _(Gesturing wildly)_ That gent - that gent is dead! Dead! Thou- Thou art dead professor!

 **Framlinggim:** _(Looks up, and his mouth drops open in a silent scream)_ … sir … _(Clears his throat cautiously, stealing his nerves)_ … Professor Binns? Art- art thee acknown yond thou art a … a ghost?

 **Binns:** _(Looks down, boredly)_ Oh. I suppose I am. Anon, stand ho this commotion and alloweth me receiveth to the lesson. 

**Barbary:** Oh Mine Own Lord! The pressure! The shock! I bethink t wilt has't gone to mine own crown! Mine own nose hast burst! Is't bleeding? Valorous Lord,... DYCKER!!!! 

_Dycker jumps and stops her silent freakout._

**Barbary:** Am I bleeding??! 

**Dycker:** Thou art not bleeding, Barbary. 

**Barbary:** O-OK. _(Breathing heavily)_ C-Can thee seeth that gent, too?

 **Dycker:** Yeah. He hast becometh an apparition. ‘Tis fine, Barb, thee has't seen ghosts before. 

**Barbary:** _(Between great gulps of air)_ Aye, aye, I knoweth. 

**Dycker:** Shhh. Alloweth's wend to class anon, haply this shall maketh Binns more interesting? _(Gently leading Barbary into class)_

 **Barbary:** Nothing couldst maketh Binns more interesting. He likely kicked the bucket from being doth boring.

**…**

#  **SCENE 10**

_Barbary, Dyker, and Fortune run onto stage from both sides, in costume (x2...lol), they’re outside, on Hogwarts grounds and it is COVERED in snow and ice. Framlinggim is shivering in front of the set, looking disapproving, ... and worried. EVERYONE IS SHIVERING._

**Barbary:** _(Dressed as Amata)_ Sir Luckless, I cameth to this garden to seeketh the magic, the charm to healeth mine own broken heart. But I doth not needeth yond anymore, for I has't found thee. Thee mayest bathe in the Fountain of Fair Fortune. 

**Dycker:** _(Dressed as Sir Luckless)_ Dear mistress Amata, though thou art a witch and I am not, I wilt confesseth I feeleth the same - but, there is something I wilt bid thee first- _(takes off helmet with a dramatic flourish)_ I am not Sir Luckless, yond wast mine own brother's nameth before he died. I am his muggle sister, Altheda!

 **Barbary:** _(Gasps)_ Altheda! I still loveth thee!

 **Fortune:** _(Dressed as Altheda)_ I too has't a secret, mine own nameth ist not Altheda, yond wast mine own sister’s nameth before she died. _(Wipes off lipstick dramatically)_ I am Sir Luckless, her muggleborn brother!

 **Dycker:** Brother! You’re alive!

 **Fortune:** Altheda! You’re alive!

_They run to each other and hug._

**Framlinggim:** Stand ho! Stand ho! That’s not how Shakespeare's playeth _Twelfth Night_ wenteth at all!

 **Dycker:** But we’re mixing it with the witching story _the Fountain of Fair Fortune_.

 **Framlinggim:** I knoweth, but yond doesn't helpeth this scene maketh any more senseth! From the top, anon!

_Peeves enters and stands at the front of the stage, to the side._

**Peeves:** _(Notices audience, shocked)_ Well, I wast not expecting to seeth thou here, or should I say, anon? Well, it hardly matters, speaketh anon, whom ist the apparation with the most hideous visage? … _Who’s the ugliest ghost?_

: Nearly headless nick!

 **Peeves:** Verily. _(Nods, then looks behind him and gasps)_ Anon, what is happening here? This doesn't beholdeth like ‘tis going well.

 **Framlinggim:** _(Groans)_ Peeves, this is a timeth very much lacking in valor to beest bothering me.

 **Peeves:** Ah, aye thou art all freezing out here in this snoweth and ice. On a winter so long and cold that even the lake hath frozen over! I doth not bethink many people art going to cometh to thy playeth.

 **Framlinggim:** Peeves.

 **Barbary:** Yeah Peeves! Leave Fram alone! ‘Tis not his fault the headmaster is too homophobic and anti-muggle to alloweth us to perform in the Great Hall. Out of the c-cold.

 **Fortune:** Yeah! We may beest out in the freezing weather but this club warms our hearts!

 **Dycker:** The headmaster’s heart is as hairy and bitter cold as the fusty Warlock’s in _the Warlock’s Hairy Heart_!

 **Framlinggin:** Again, I doth not knoweth these stories, Dycker.

 **Dyker: -** Oh, sorry, ‘tis about-

 **Framlinggim:** But I too am glad for this group. ‘Tis the first place I have been since I wast sent to this school, where things art not did divide by house, and I am allowed to freely explore muggle culture.

 **Dycker:** Even perform a Shakespeare playeth with a lady onstage!

_Framlinggim nods, proud._

**Barbary:** ‘Tis true. Even the Gobstone Club hast house divisions … Ravenclaw winneth, and winneth, and always winneth. 

**Fortune:** See, we art fine out here, _(downcast)_ even if’t be true none shall come to our performance.

 **Peeves:** Yond wast what I wast here to speak of, hark and learneth, lads-

 **Dycker:** I am not a lad.

 **Barbary:** Nor am I.

 **Fortune:** Nor am I.

 **Framlinggim:** I’m the only lad.

 **Peeves:** Hark and learneth, lad, lady, and lad-ladies, thee may beest banned from the most wondrous hall, but there hast been nothing said about the entrance hall. Followeth me!

_They follow Peeves._

**Dycker:** I bethought thee wert supposed to be a Ravenclaw, Framlinggim.

 **Framlinggim:** Hush, Dycker.

_They enter the Entrance Hall._

**Barbary:** Oh mine own lord! ‘Tis warm in here! It warms the little ice age of mine own frozen body.

 **Fortune:** Let us dance!

 **Dycker:** Let us sing!

 **All:** _ThANK YOU FOR THE MUUUUSICCCC !!!! (By ABBA)_

**…**

#  **SCENE 11**

_At Bathilda’s._

**Bathilda:** _(Shutting a book)_ And that concludes the history of the first Hogwarts pantomime.

 **Rita:** _(Smiling/shocked)_ Wow… I had no idea that _Slytherins_ started the QSA Drama Club. I had no idea Slytherins could be so cool with muggle stuff...

 **Sybill:** Aren’t _you_ a Slytherin? 

**Rita:** _(Flinches)._ Yes. Now, Bathilda! Let’s talk about those primary sources!

 **Sybill:** Yes, _wow Bath_ , _(Wipes away a tear, smiling)_ I never knew you had books on this sort of stuff _(Accepts the book in awe as Bathilda hands it over)_

 **Rita:** Those details are incredible! The ghosts and portraits at Hogwarts never told me that much, I suppose being around for so many centuries results in foggy memories-

 **Sybill:** _(Stiffens and sits ups suddenly, stops examining the book)_ You would know about _foggy memories._

 **Rita:** _(Looks struck by something between fear and guilt)_ What are you on about?

 **Sybill:** _(Standing up out of rage)_ Oh, you _know_ what I’m talking about. _(Eyes focus behind Rita’s head and see The Book - The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore. She becomes even more furious and marches over to it, then picks it up in an angry grip and waves it in Rita’s face)_ YOU GAVE HER A COPY!? HOW COULD YOU EVEN - Oh, I forgot, you’re Rita Skeeter, woman without a conscience. 

**Rita:** _(Shaky)_ What? Are you so _offended_ by me telling all of your _dear dumble’s_ secrets? 

**Sybill:** You _know_ what this is about. … Or, was it a step too far, that even _you_ feel too guilty to think about it? 

**Rita:** I thought I was a heartless gossip, Trelawney. You’re the one who runs away from things. _I_ was only thanking a dear friend for her help.

 **Sybill:** Well, you can take that “ _thanks”_ to the grave with you! _(Throws the books at her - MISSES)_

 **Bathilda:** Ladies! I’m sure this is just some misunderstanding we can sort out if- 

_Sybill looks at Bathilda and runs off stage right, crying. Bathilda pats Rita’s shoulder absently and goes after Sybill._

**Rita:** _(Sits down slowly by the book, reaches a hand out tentatively and breaths shakily as she flips open the cover, she reads out her handwritten note): “The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore, By Rita Skeeter” (Flip) “_ Enjoy the book, Ms. Bagshot, it’s all thanks to you.” _(She screws up her eyes and lurches over) ..._ I’m going to be sick… _(Picks up the book and runs off stage left)_

_“One month earlier”:_

_Rita saunters onstage right, holding a copy of_ The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore _™._

 **Rita:** Oh hi all you wondeful fans! Today, at this … erhm, _lovely_ convention, I have the pleasure of reading you a sneak peak of my new book - _The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore™_ \-- yes, I know that’s not his full name, but try and fit Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore on a book cover! Now HUSH!-- Now, I should say, this book would never exist without the compliance of the renowned historian, dear old Bathilda Bagshot. Batty Bagshot was the only one -erhm- _willing_ to tell me all these juicy secrets! You see, crazy Dumbles grew up just down the road from her house, and, well, my my my, she had quite the scoop on the summer of 1899...

_Rita exits the stage left. Bathilda enters stage right, and sits in an armchair, reading._

_A rap comes at the door. A pause. And then another, more aggravated._

**Rita:** Ms. Bagshot?!?

_Bathilda startles and flicks her wand at the door._

**Bathilda:** Come on in dearie, no need for such a fuss - um, who are you?  
 _Rita flounces in, camera flashing madly behind her, and settles in the opposite chair after awkwardly maneuvering around piles of books. She snaps her crocodile purse open sassily._

 **Rita:** I’m Rita Skeeter, Ms. Bagshot, I am interviewing you about Albus Dumbledore.

 **Bathilda:** _(Nods)_ Oh, yes, well, in magic rest his soul.

 **Rita:** Mm-hm. Do you have any tea? _(Snaps fingers)_ Richard! Get me some tea! 

_Camera man stumbles offstage in a rush._

Now, where were we? Aha - So, what do you know about the death of Ariana Dumbledore? - The records are very unclear, but you were close with the Dumbledores, weren’t you?

 **Bathilda:** Yes - well as close as they let anyone get. … I suppose that was the summer Gellert came to stay - yes I remember he left in quite a hurry before the funeral … they always run away _(sad)._

 **Rita:** Gellart? Who’s this?

 **Bathilda:** Oh- my nephew- well, we don’t talk about him.

 **Rita:** No? Well you can tell _me_ anything, Bathilda dear, we’re friends.

 **Bathilda:** I- I’d rather not. It's family business.

 **Rita:** Nonsense! Everything is!

 **Bathilda:** _(Lips tight)_ Why are you here again? Really, you should go. I haven’t got anything to talk about. Let the dead rest in peace.

 **Rita:** Now, now, don’t be difficult. _Recuperare Memorias!_

_Bathilda twitches as Rita accesses her memories._

**Bathilda:** _(Eyes blinking open) Wh-what? Who are you?_

 **Rita:** I’m Rita Skeeter, Ms. Bagshot, I am interviewing you about Gellert Grindelwald. 

**…**

#  **SCENE 12**

_Young Albus Dumbledore sits writing a letter at his desk in his bedroom._

_From a recording we can hear an excerpt of Rita and Bathilda’s ensuing conversation._

_“_ **_Bathilda:_ ** _Gellert? Why, he came to stay for the summer when he was eighteen, struck up a friendship with Albus -- he lived down the road from me, did you know? He had just finished his last year at Hogwarts, if I do recall. He was just barely of age and had to become the head of his family, after his mother’s sudden passing, poor boy._

 **_Rita:_ ** _Gellert and Albus -They were friends?_

 **_Bathilda:_ ** _Yes, they were very good friends indeed, exchanging letters every night.”_

 **Albus:** … all my love, Albus xxx … Ugh, no, that’s too much. … Love, Albus … ? No… Aha! From _your_ Albus -- perfect!

_He sends the letter._

**Ariana:** _(Runs into the room)_ Albus! Albus! Where’s Aberforth?

 **Albus:** _(Groans)_ I don’t know … probably out terrorizing goats again.

 **Aberforth:** _(Pops into the room immediately)_ Hey! That was ONE time!

 **Albus:** _(Smirking)_ I knew that would work … _(gets back to scribbling)_

 **Aberforth:** _(Crosses arms and walks over to the desk)_ What are you even doing? You’re supposed to be taking care of Ariana with me.

 **Albus:** _(Not paying attention)_ Uh- huh, sure.

 **Aberforth:** Whatever! I don’t even need you - but you’d better shape up by September or I won’t be able to go back to school - remember? … Nevermind. Let’s go, Ari.

_They exit stage right. There’s a tap on the window. Gellert opens it and jumps in._

**Gellert:** I came as soon as I got the letter! You’ve found something about the wand?

 **Albus:** _(Tucks a strand of hair behind his ear)_ Yes, it was passed down the Leichenberg line for a while -- you can see it here _(points to book)_ a series of murders, of sons killing fathers, in Dresden. The wand might still be near there.

 **Geralt:** _(Sits on desk)_ You’re a genius, Al.

 **Albus:** It’s nothing, Gel.

 **Gellert:** It’s _everything_ . You’re the greatest witch I’ve ever met … _(Leans down to kiss him)_

_Aberforth barges in stage right._

**Albus:** _(Snappishly)_ What.

 **Aberforth:** It’s Ari- she’s having a fit, we - _she_ needs you.

_Albus gets up hurriedly and rushes off behind Aberforth._

_Gellert looks amused, and starts flicking through the books Albus was reading._

_The Dumbledore siblings come back in, Ariana is leaning on Aberforth. This fight is choreographed to background music, which builds with tension and magic._

**Albus:** _(Happily)_ Ah, so you’re still here.

 **Gellert:** I wasn’t going to leave without you. _(Smirk)_

 **Aberforth:** Leave? What are you two talking about?

 **Gellert:** _(Threatening wand movements)_ Our journey to greatness, I wouldn’t expect a dunce like you with no more magic than a troll to understand.

 **Aberforth:** _(Draws wand)_ Don’t - Don’t talk to me that way!

_Albus looks warily at the wands. Gellert sees him looking and tucks his away, scoffing at Aberforth._

**Albus:** What Gellert means is that we are going on a quest _(his eyes are filled with glory, grinning)._

 **Aberforth:** Is this about those Deathly Hallows you two have been whispering about all summer?

 **Gellert:** Ah, so he’s not completely dumb afterall, Albus.

 **Aberforth:** _Don’t talk about me like that!_

_Gellert laughs. Aberforth glances over his shoulder at Ariana, who has started to fidget nervously._

**Aberforth:** You can’t leave, Albus. What about Ari? Can you think about _us_ for once in your life?!

 **Gellert:** _(Snarls, pulls wand out again)_ Don’t tell him what to do! _Flipendo!_

_Aberforth and several objects go flying, flipping backwards. Aberforth screams, Ariana jumps and tries to pull Aberforth up. Albus grabs Gellert’s wand arm and forces it down at the ground. They look in each other’s eyes, Albus searching, Gellert disgusted._

**Albus:** What are you doing? Don’t hurt him!

 **Gellert:** He is nothing to you Albus. He is but a rusty nail caught on your sleeve, holding you back! You have true power! Together we could gain control of what no other witch has ever managed, we could become the masters of death!

_Albus shakes his head. Gellert sneers and shakes his head in disgust, shaking Albus off and pointing his wand at Aberforth._

**Gellert:** You won’t be bothering us anymore.

 **Albus:** Stop! _Protego! (Kneels down between Gellert and Aberforth, his wand does a swirl to symbolise the shield spell, then Albus focuses it there)._

 **Gellert:** Don’t do this Albus. We were meant to rule the world together. This is for the greater good. _Reducto! (Lunges forward, lashing his wand out at Albus’s ‘sheild’)_

_Albus falls back, grunting._

**Albus:** _(Gets up)_ This isn’t any sort of _good,_ Gellert!

 **Gellert:** They are trying to hold you back, keep you in chains. I am making you _great_ ! _(Striking wand through the air violently)_

 **Albus:** _(Pleading, trying to get closer to Gellert but not using his wand)_ This isn’t how it’s supposed to go, Gellert. This isn’t you, this isn’t _love._

 **Gellert:** _(Laughs)_ Still playing that petty game, Albus? There is no such thing as _love._ It is weak. _(Pointing wand at Albus)_

 **Albus:** No. _(Shocked, stops moving)_

_Aberforth, still struggling, looks at his brother, confused. Gellert sees his opportunity and starts to swing his wand at Aberforth._

_(Make a choice!)_

**Albus:** No! Stop this Gellert! _(Points his wand at Gellert)_

_Gellert eyes the wand, and points his at Albus._

**Albus:** I- I don’t want to hurt you.

 **Gellert:** Then you are too weak - _Diffendio!_

 **Albus:** _Protego! Ignis Aven!_

 **Gellert:** _Aguamenti!_ To think that I was ever going to let _you_ rule by my side _(sneer)._

 _Ariana is pleading from the sidelines_.

 **Ariana:** Stop! Please stop!

_Aberforth gets up and tries to join the battle, Albus puts an arm out to push him back._

**Albus:** _(Crying)_ Stay out of this, Aberforth.

 **Aberforth:** No, I’m tired of him being around!

_At the same time:_

**Gellert:** _Confringo!_ -

 **Albus:** _Collocorpus!-_

 **Aberforth:** _Petrificus Totalus!-_

_Ariana jumps into the fray, just as all three boys begin to bellow a spell, music/noise roars up with her scream, and they all fall down._

_Gellert gets up first, pulling himself away, disgust and shock on his face as he dusts his robes off, and grabs some of the parchment from Albus’s desk. He raises his wand at the rest of the piles of research, as if about to destroy it, then looks around at Albus on the floor, bites his lip, and flees. Albus and Aberforth wake up next. Aberforth crawls hurriedly to Ariana’s side. Albus looks at his hands, eyes wide._

**Aberforth:** Ari, Ari, ARI! _(shaking her corpse)_

_He slumps down in defeat and sobs. Then he rounds on Albus, who has pulled himself up and is looking shaken._

**Aberforth:** THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! _(Punches him in the nose and runs off stage)_

_Albus is left alone on stage for his sad song, You Tore Out My Heart by Tiny Little Houses._

**…**

#  **SCENE 13**

_Gellert is running through Bathilda’s house, grabbing letters and books haphazardly and hauling a bag. Bathilda walks in._

**Bathilda:** What’s going on? 

**Gellert:** _(Looks up at her with hatred and grimaces) Obliviate!_

_Gellert turns on his heel and disapparates. Bathilda is left confused and unsteady on her feet. She sits down heavily in her chair and holds her head. She picks up a picture of Gellert and Albus that is on the table._

**Bathilda:** _(Confused)_ Gellert?... _Oh Merlin,_ I’ve got a killer headache. _(Gets up and heads offstage)_

**…**

#  **SCENE 14**

_Back in Bathilda’s office, Sybill and Bathilda. Sybill is looking stormily away, hunched over her tea._

**Bathilda:** _(Flipping through book)_ You know, I have quite the history of runaways. When Gellert took off that night, well I knew something was amiss, but I only remembered he came to stay that summer three years later. 

**Sybill:** Don’t bring that book over here.

 **Bathilda:** _(Takes a chair beside Sybill, sitting behind her back)_ I was so happy you came back. I want to think it’s home, but after so many years...

 **Sybill:** It is like coming home. But so much has changed. And it’s _her_ fault. 

**Bathilda:** Rita came back too. She wants to fix things. 

**Sybill:** How can you let… How can you let her into your home again?

 **Bathilda:** I want her here. Her heart told her to come back and make things right. I want her to learn that she can trust it.

 **Sybill:** Isn’t she a bit old to learn that?

 **Bathilda:** _(Smiles)_ Not to me.

 **Sybill:** How can you forgive her?

 **Bathilda:** She’s done more than many people do. Acknowledged her wrongs on her own accord. She came back with no prompting from me. And I’ve learnt that grudges go both ways. You feel them, like a pull in your stomach. You’ve got to let go of that portkey before it takes you somewhere you don’t want to go.

 **Sybill:** Not everyone can just forget.

 **Bathilda:** I don’t forget, I keep going. I build from it, as from everything. It fades from my mind from time to time, sure, but it’s always there, beneath the surface, in my instincts, in my feelings. I know enough to cast her out of my home if the situation calls for it.

 **Sybill:** _(Through gritted teeth)_ I will.

 **Bathilda:** I know what she did. But I can’t just stop living because somebody hurt me. You’ve got to find a way to keep going. And this is my way, this time.

 **Sybill:** Doesn’t it hurt? Doesn’t it hurt so much to know she’s in the other room. That she did that to you and she’s living in the same house.

 **Bathilda:** No. She’s just a person, she doesn’t have power over me. And I want her here.

 **Sybill:** But why? _(Turns to face Bathilda)_

 **Bathilda:** Because it would hurt me more not to try. It’s a wound that could fester, grow and grow and grow if I don’t look it dead in the eye.

 **Sybill:** She’s terrible. 

**Bathilda:** She tries though. It doesn’t mean that she wasn’t wrong. That she isn’t sometimes still wrong. It means that we can have good things, because we both care. 

**Sybill:** You really do care.

 **Bathilda:** About so many things. I wonder sometimes if I couldn’t have done better with Gellert, but you can’t control how other people act, how other people react. I could have done better with you though, Sybill. I didn’t know how to deal with your power. I wanted to help but I was too intent on forcing you down a path.

 **Sybill:** It still scares me sometimes. But I love divination. I couldn’t be off doing charms for a profession, when this calls me. 

**Bathilda:** That doesn’t mean-

 **Sybill:** _(Holds up a finger)_ I know now that that doesn’t mean it has to be my sole focus. I just get closed away sometimes. Hogwarts is a strange place to work, especially over the last six years. 

**Bathilda:** Hasn’t it always been strange? I remember once in my fourth year, a wall grew and consumed our transfiguration classroom on the night before the exams. Luckily for me, the spare room had a mouse infestation, so I caught a mouse instead of transfiguring my comb.

_Rita strolls in, sees Sybill, and tries to backtrack out of the room. Sybill sees her, glares, and then bends back over her tea._

**Bathilda:** Oh hi Rita! We were just talking about Hogwarts.

 **Rita:** Oh. Um. Actually, I was just-

 **Bathilda:** Come sit down. _(stands up and gestures to her chair)_

 **Rita:** Oh, _no_. I couldn’t-

_Bathilda stares and points. Rita sits down._

**Bathilda:** So, you two went to school together.

 **Rita:** We weren’t in the same year. I don’t remember her that well.

 **Sybill:** Rita was just the school gossip. Everyone hated her.

 **Rita:** Oh wait, I do remember- you were that fifth year who was always hanging out with that Sinistra girl and wailing about the stars.

 **Sybill:** I suppose hanging out is a word for it…

 **Rita:** But you kind of disappeared after May in 1975, didn’t you? I remember… Sinistra looked impossibly morose. We’d thought you’d died. _(Laughs)_ That was when she earned the nickname _Sinister Sinistra._ I tried to interview her on it but all she did was go on and on about how Mars or something was in the sky.

 **Sybill:** Well, we were in the middle of a war.

 **Rita:** You didn’t fail your exams so badly that they kicked you out _before_ sixth year, did you?

 **Sybill:** I prefer ‘dropped out’. It gives me more initiative in the situation. The stifling structure and stress of the exams was muddying my third eye. … And I got Trolls on all my O.W.L.s

 **Rita:** _(Laughs)_ Really? Even in Divination?

 **Sybill:** Those examiners know nothing of the fine art! 

**Bathilda:** _(Smiles and pats Sybill on the back)_ I’m going to make us some more tea now.

 **Rita:** _No,_ I’ve had plenty of tea Bathilda-

 **Bathilda:** Nonsense. _(Leaves)._

_Rita gulps._

**Sybill:** _(Glares at Rita)_ Why are you still here.

_Rita makes to stand up_

**Rita:** I can go.

 **Sybill:** No. Not _here. Here._

 **Rita:** Oh, well, I have nowhere else to-

 **Sybill:** I know that’s a lie Skeeter. Any witch can find herself a hidden spot. What’s your plot?

 **Rita:** There’s no plot! W-why would there be a plot. _(crosses arms)_

 **Sybill:** _Why would there be a plot._ How can you act like nothing happened.

 **Rita:** I-

 **Sybill:** _(Sets down teacup angrily)_ You know, you’ve always been like this. A _bully._ You haven’t changed. Not since school. Not caring who you hurt, doing anything to grab a quick story. 

**Rita:** I didn’t mean to-

 **Sybill:** _Your research ‘techniques’. They hurt her._ You _hurt her._ And now you’ve got to live with it. But I suppose you Slytherins are used to such things. You lot love to trample the rest underfoot, float above it all like you’re royalty.

 **Rita:** It wasn’t like that! It wasn’t easy for me!

 **Sybill:** Well, you did a hell of a job making it harder for everyone else.

**…**

#  **SCENE 15**

**Sorting Hat:**

Said Slytherin, ‘We’ll teach just those whose ancestry is purest.’

For each of the four founders had a house in which they might

Take only those they wanted, so, for instance, Slytherin

Took only pureblood witches of great cunning, just like him.

**…**

_At Hogwarts, Rita and other students file into the great hall where the Sorting Hat is. Rita has her hair in plaits. The hat calls out names._

**Sorting Hat:** Welcome to the sorting ceremony of 1968! Now I shall begin!

Bellatrix Lestrange!

_Bellatrix steps forward, self assured and smug._

_A student next to Rita whispers._

**Susanna Litchly:** Bellatrix Black? The Blacks are the most powerful family in magic. They’re _always_ Slytherins.

_The hat is placed on her head._

**Sorting Hat:** SLYTHERIN!

_Bellatrix heads off to the left side of the stage, smiling smugly._

**Sorting Hat:** Susanna Litchly!

_Susanna takes a deep breath and steps forward. The hat is placed on her head._

**Sorting Hat:** GRYFFINDOR!

_Susanna beams and goes to stand on the right._

**Sorting Hat:** Rita Skeeter!

_Rita stumbles forward, casting anxious glances around at the onlookers. The hat is placed upon her head._

**Sorting Hat:** Hmm, interesting… Oh, I see. SLYTHERIN.

_Rita stays frozen to the spot. Whispers erupt._

**Bellatrix:** Slytherin? But Skeeter isn’t a magical name. 

**Susanna:** A muggleborn in Slytherin?

_Susanna and the Sorting hat leave. Umbridge walks over to Bellatrix. Bellatrix looks at her in disgust. Then they both look at Rita, and cross their arms._

**Rita:** So, um, I suppose we’re roommates.

 **Bellatrix:** I’m not rooming with a _Mudblood._ What kind of trick did you pull to get in this house? Slytherin is supposed to be _pure. (She scrunches her nose at both of them)._

 **Rita:** My grandmother’s a squib. I just found out this August.

 **Dolores:** A squib? 

**Bellatrix:** Disgusting. You’re an embarrassment to witching kind.

_They walk off stage right, Rita stays put. Things move around her. They enter again in the charms classroom._

**Flitwick:** Hello first years! I am professor Flitwick. 

**Bellatrix:** _(Snorts)_ My mother has told me about him.

 **Flitwick:** Ah, Miss Black, I see you’ve volunteered to demonstrate the levitating charm.

 **Bellatrix:** _(Huffs, but stands up haughtily)_ This shouldn’t be an issue. _My_ parents taught me magic before I came here, unlike _others (sneers at Rita). Wigarnum LevI-oh-sa!_

_(The ribbon from her wand lands around her head and she starts shrieking)_

**Susanna:** Omygosh! She’s growing boils all over her face! 

**Dolores:** Now _that’s_ an embarrassment to magic.

_(Make a choice, make a choice. Make a decision right now. Make a choice, make a choice, right in front of this crowd.)_

**Rita:** _(Starts to move. Takes out a disposable camera and snaps a photo)_ No, _magic_ is embarrassing.

 **Bellatrix:** Will _one_ of you plebs help me!?  
 **Flitwick:** _(Sighs) Salvio Hexia!_

_Everyone leaves the classroom, Flitwick and Sussanna stage left, this time Rita walks boldly off stage right with Dolores and Bella._

_Sybill and Snape enter stage right, Sybill is holding her head and shaking it nervously. Snape offers her a potion and she waves it away._

**Sybill:** Nothing’s helping, Severus. This curse, it’s like I can’t _think_ of anything else. It’s just the future _all_ the time. And half the time I don’t even know what I’ve said!

 **Snape:** _I’ll_ tell you. Don’t worry. And I don’t think it’s a curse, Sybill. It’s a talent, a gift. You’re so connected to magic. There’s _nobody_ as close to it as you are. 

**Sybill:** But I want it to go away! What if it never does?

 **Snape:** It’s just another form of magic, right? You can’t make it go away, ignoring it just makes it more difficult. We learn how to _use_ our magic, how to refine it.

 **Sybill:** It already feels so out of control. What if I never learn how to control it?

 **Snape:** Did I ever tell you about my first potions class? My cauldron exploded just as Professor Slughorn lent over it. And now look at me!

_Rita enters stage left with her new hairstyle, and a Slytherin behind her. There’s a random Gryffindor._

**Sybill:** That’s only because you have Lily helping you.

 **Snape:** And you can find help too-

 **Rita:** What’s this? _(Writes on her parchment)_ Sybilline Trelawney, the one we all see being driven barmy by her own magic, is being told to get help. Watch out everyone! She’s dangerous! 

_The Slytherin laughs, the Gryffindor suddenly takes a wider path around Sybill. Rita and the Slytherin leave stage right, laughing, and Rita sticks the paper she wrote to the wall as she goes._

**Snape:** _(Crosses his arms)_ She’s just jealous that you have so much magic naturally, while she’s a mudblood.

 **Sybill:** _(Wheels around suddenly sharper)_ Severus! What’s that supposed to mean?

 **Snape:** _(Shrugs)_ Everyone’s saying it. Lucius said that if the Dark Lord had his way, she wouldn’t even be allowed at Hogwarts.

 **Sybill:** Are you talking about _He-who-must-not-be-named?_ Your best friend is a muggleborn!

 **Snape:** _(Rolls his eyes)_ Lily’s not like the rest of those lot. And just call him the Dark Lord, Sybill, everyone is.

_They walk past the sign._

**Snape:** These will be up everywhere by nightfall, so let’s give whatever nosy prats who read this a nasty surprise. _Mordio-Lectorem!_

 **Sybill:** What spell was that?

 **Snape:** _(Slyly)_ It’s new. I created it.

**…**

#  **SCENE 16**

_Back at Bathilda’s. Sybill walks down the hallway at night. She doesn’t use a light because she remembers the place. Sybill stops by the window and looks out into the moonlight. Rita rounds the corner with a lantern. She stops just short of running into Sybill._

**Sybill:** What are you doing out here. And why in _Morgana’s name_ do you have a lantern like a daft old muggle?  
 **Rita:** I couldn’t sleep. And I was raised as a muggle, you know, It’s easier sometimes. You don’t have to act so high and mighty about it. 

**Sybill:** Easier than magic? … Well actually, I get that, sometimes. It could be nice to know another way- _(Shakes her head)_ You ‘couldn’t sleep’? Is your guilty conscience finally keeping you awake?

 **Rita:** _(Sets lantern down on window bench)_ Yes.

_Sybill is stunned by her honesty._

**Rita:** I am- I am sorry. That’s why I’m staying here. I’m trying to help, even though I can’t fix it. 

**Sybill:** _(Looks away and hunches her shoulders)_ I guess you’re not running away.

 **Rita:** You’re not either. You came back here.

 **Sybill:** _(Turns back to face Rita)_ I guess it took us both long enough.

 **Rita:** Forty Galleons isn’t the same as memories.

 **Sybill:** I was thinking more of the leaving in the middle of the night.

 **Rita:** Well, she’s glad you’re back. 

**Sybill:** She likes you too. She’s always been fond of taking lost souls in. She likes the difficult ones best, I think. ...It’s part of why I was so furious to see you here. Like she was comparing your wrongs to mine. But it’s not a competition, and it’s not up to me to choose if she forgives you. She knows you’ve got good inside you yet…and I think you might, too.

 **Rita:** _(Stunned and heartwarmed) ..._ Thank you, Sybill. I really am sorry.

_There’s screaming off stage. Rita and Sybill look at each other anxiously._

**Both:** Bathilda.

_They get up hurriedly and run towards the noise (off stage left)._

**…**

#  **SCENE 17**

_Back to Rita, but she’s in Hogwarts robes, scrawling away in her bed. Slytherin hangings. Bellatrix is in the other bed, trying to sleep._

**Bellatrix:** _(Pulls pillow over face)_ UGH. Shut the hell up, Rita!

 **Rita:** Ah, Bella, I can see now why the Black family is considered to be the epitome of witching nobility and refinement. Are you _still_ stroppy about that expose I wrote about your heart shaped collage of _You-Know-Who_ ? It was only a _small_ article.

 **Bellatrix:** It was the _FRONT PAGE_!!! 

**Rita:** Feisty.

 **Bellatrix:** Just _stop_ or I’ll curse your bed hangings to strangle you again.

_Rita touches her neck absently as Dolores walks in._

**Rita:** Hi Umbridge, back from the Prefect meeting already? 

**Dolores:** _(Glares)_ You two know it’s hours past lights-out, right? If I catch you up again I will send you to detention- _in the grounds_ , with _Lockhart. (Goes to put a tally on both their sides of the blackboard)._

 **Bellatrix:** UGH. This is all your fault, Rita! I’ll make you _PAY_.

_Dolores adds another tally to Bellatrix’s side, smirking._

**Bellatrix:** You- You POMPOUS TOAD!!!

 **Rita:** Done? I think I got that all down.

 **Bellatrix:** _(Pulls pillow back over her head)_ UGH. This room is the _WORST._

**…**

#  **SCENE 18**

_Bellatrix is cursing random sticks and rocks as she stomps through the mucky grounds. Gilderoy walks behind her, stage left, wincing at each curse, and prancing about._

**Gilderoy:** You know, I’ve helped Professor Kettleburn find all sorts of things before, Kneazles and Bowtruckles and, um, Dragons! I could locate these fiendish Flobberworms blindfolded! 

**Bellatrix:** _(Growling and turning on him)_ Of course you could! THEY’RE _FLOBBERWORMS_ !!! Even a mudblood prat like you could! This is a DISGRACEFUL task for someone of _my_ standing! It is such a waste of my time! I can’t wait until I can join the Dark Lord and watch this place _burn!_

_Gilderoy cringes, then he clicks his tongue and looks as if he is about to start talking again when Rita struts up._

**Rita:** Oh, hello my disgraced roommate, what a surprise to run into you! How’s detention going? What did old Kettle-y make you do?

 **Bellatrix:** How’s your neck, Skeeter?

 **Rita:** _(Stumbles for a second)_ Luckily my severing charm is much more refined now, although you might find that all your robes have been slashed, it’s strange how one’s hand slips whilst they are struggling for their life.

_Bellatrix growls._

**Rita:** Anyway, I was just stopping by to interview Gilderoy here on his many achievements. _(Smirks maliciously)_

 **Bella:** No. You wouldn’t. You wouldn’t put yourself through that just to torment me -

 **Rita:** It’s a harsh world, Bella. Now, Gilderoy…

 **Gilderoy:** Yes, Rita? May I just say I am an enormous fan of your work, and _my goodness_ you’re looking lovely today. 

_Bellatrix snickers._

**Rita:** Erhm. Yes. I was just wondering if you would be interested in an interview on your many accomplishments?

 **Gilderoy:** Why yes, of course, I could hardly say no to a face like yours.

_Rita chokes._

Well, where to begin? _(Miming actions)_ There was that time when I wrestled a mountain troll, saving a group of helpless children. Or when I slew a giant lizard that was trying to gobble up people in the Ravenclaw Baths, or when I caught a falling tree with my raw physical strength and prevented the deaths of Professor Kettleburn’s fifth year class-

 **Rita:** Aren’t you eleven?

 **Gilderoy:** I turn twelve in January.

 **Rita:** Oh, yes, quite soon then.

 **Gilderoy:** Anyway, the troll was massive and covered in blue boils and, um, tall. 

**Rita:** Yes.

 **Gilderoy:** And it was towering all over these three girls all creepy like _(puts his arms up)_ and baring his fangs-

 **Rita:** Fangs?

 **Gilderoy:** Teeth. Terribly jagged and gnarly teeth. And I saw this, and I knew I had to do something. So I ran at the beast, flinging my school bag out in front of me and smacking it in the eyes like - _pchow_!- and then I, um, stunned it! And saved everyone!

 **Bellatrix:** _(Whispers to Rita)_ Aren’t Ravenclaws supposed to be intelligent?

 **Rita:** Okay… and what are you doing out here today?

 **Gilderoy:** Oh, I’m here on behalf of the QSA Drama Club. They asked me to help Kettleburn find a flobberworm so I can transfigure it into the Great Worm! It is a very important job they could only entrust upon me, while they go over their lines one last time - I mean, _I_ already have my part down, so I didn’t need to be there. 

**Rita:** The Great Worm? So does that mean it’s going to be -

 **Gilderoy:** The Fountain of Fair Fortune! Yes! I could do all this on my own, of course, but Head Girl Umbridge sent Miss Black here for company … I don’t think she chose very well, but never fear! 

**Bellatrix:** The Fountain of Fairwhat?

 **Rita:** You don’t know? But it’s a Beedle Bard Tale.

 **Bella:** Hmph. It must be one of those disgusting muggle loving ones - it would never be allowed in my house.

 **Gilderoy:** So- you don’t know the story? Never fear Miss Black, I shall inform you! It starts off in a courtyard, thousands have gathered from around the country for the chance to be selected by the garden to bathe in the Fountain of Fair Fortune and wash away all their woes--

 **Bellatrix:** UGH.

 **Gilderoy:** At the strike of dawn, the bush reaches out and grabs a witch called Asha, but she, sympathetic to the other’s plight, grabs hold of another witch, Altheda, who grabs hold of another, called Amata, who grabs hold of Sir Luckless, a muggle knight. _(Miming this all as he explains it)._ Inside the garden they face a series of quests to reach the fountain, each task absolving them of their hardships until only the luck-less knight has to bathe. Ending with happiness for all and none the wiser that the fountain itself held no magic. It’s quite poetic, actually. Much better than Snow White-

 **Bellatrix:** Snow White?

 **Gilderoy:** Nothing!

 **Rita:** What’s your role in the play, Gilderoy?

 **Gilderoy:** Panto, dear Rita, as in Pantomime-

 **Bellatrix:** We. Know. UGH. We have one every year you insolent twerp! What do _you_ not understand in “ _Annual_ Yule Panto”? 

**Gilderoy:** Hmph. Then you should know better than call it a _play._ It’s very different, with all the singing, audience interaction and drag! It’s like Robert always says- you know, the Ravenclaw Beater? He has _amazing_ biceps … um. He’s playing Sir Luckless, the muggle knight who gets with Amata at the end-- 

**Bellatrix:** Ew.

 **Rita and Gilderoy:** Shut up.

 **Gilderoy:** I auditioned for his role at first, of course, but Professor Flitwick wisely decided that it was too soon for my rise to the spotlight. The public isn’t ready to experience my full glory! 

**Bella:** URGHHH.

 **Gilderoy:** \--Then Fabien--

 **Rita:** Fabien Prewett?

 **Gilderoy:** Yes, he’s playing Altheda of course- made me head of set design, clearly recognising the breadth of my talents. But I was only allowed to make half the set lilac before Susanna- who’s playing Amata- sent me out here. Apparently bushes _have_ to be green. Really no artistic eye in any of them. 

**Rita:** Susanna? As in Susanna Litchly? Isn’t she dating Richard in real life? Not just in the play? 

**Gilderoy:** Oh, certainly. It’s one of those things, you know. She’s playing Amata, Robert’s playing Sir Luckless, and soon they’re kissing outside of practice sessions. Properly dating. Well, she and Robert _were_ dating… until this morning. At practice they had this big fight and broke up in front of _everyone_ \- and then he went right over and asked Lilith out - _she’s_ playing Asha.

 **Rita:** No. Immediately after?

 **Gilderoy:** There was barely time _to breath_.

_Rita starts scribbling maddly._

**Rita:** So, _do_ you have a role?

 **Gilderoy:** Of course I do! Your doubt has caused me great offense Rita, I don’t know if we can ever be the same! _I_ play Mr Fatherweather --

 **Rita:** Who?

 **Gilderoy:** From the opening scene--

 **Rita:** Like, one of the people in the crowd that _doesn’t_ get selected?

 **Gilderoy:** Yes, one of the crowd that does _not_ get to journey through the garden, I _know._ He’s there for a magical remedy for his aching heart, as his nine children ran away with his fortune, but he pulls through and eventually becomes Minister for Magic!

 **Rita:** … Is this a new edition to the story?

 **Gilderoy:** No. He doesn’t get any lines, there’s something called _character building,_ Rita! 

_The three students stumble upon a glen in the woods. A quiet kid is sitting on a log, petting a unicorn._

**Grubblyplank:** _(Petting unicorn)_ At least you understand me… When I grow up I’ll teach care of magical creatures and tell them all about unicorns.

 **Rita:** Is that … Roy Grubblyplank? 

**Bellatrix:** Him? … OI! GRUBBLY!

_The unicorn startles but Grubblyplank calms it. Grubblyplank looks up skittishly and sees the trio._

**Grubblyplank:** Oh no, Slytherins.

 **Rita:** _(Muttering to herself)_ … but unicorns only let girls get close to them …

 **Gilderoy:** Is that a unicorn? Those are real?! … I mean, of course they’re real!

 **Bellatrix:** Mudbloods.

 **Rita:** First years.

_Gilderoy runs at the unicorn, arms outstretched._

**Gilderoy:** Here horsie horsie!

_The unicorn instantly gets up and bolts away. Gilderoy watches it go, and continues looking out into the woods where it went, face in clear devastation._

**Bellatrix:** It’s OK, Lockhart, _(pats him on the shoulder)_ unicorns don’t like being near guys _(glaring at Grubblyplank)._ Isn’t that right, Grubbly?

 **Grubblyplank:** _(Walking away)_ Sorry, Trixie, I can’t hear you over the fact that you made a heart shaped collage of a facist-

 **Rita:** Oooh, she knows you so well, _Trixie._

 **Bellatrix:** _(Raising wand)_ Shut up, freaks. _(Laughs evilly)_ I’ve been waiting for a chance to try this on someone-

 **Rita:** _(Whispering)_ Bella-

 **Bellatrix:** What?

 **Rita:** _(Pointing down and backing away in a circle)_ Bella…

_There, circling their feet, is an Ashwinder._

**Bellatrix:** _(Scared)_ An Ashwinder…

_They back away from it in a circle until their backs bump into each other._

**Bellatrix and Rita:** AH! 

_They jump away from each other. Grubblyplank skitters away during the comotion._

**Rita:** _(Hissing)_ Do something! It’s going to set this whole forest ablaze!

 **Bella:** _(Like gears are turning in her head)_ Yeah… _(smiles evilly)._

_Bellatrix reaches down and picks up the fire snake with her dragon leather glove clad hands._

**Bella:** Hey, Lockhart, I found your flobberworm.

 **Gilderoy:** You did? Perfect! 

_Bella hands him the Ashwinder._

Well, I’ve got to get spell casting! See you all at the Panto during dinner! _(Runs off grinning)_

_Bellatrix is smirking._

**Rita:** This isn’t going to end well, Bella.

**…**

#  **SCENE 19**

_Narcissa is running along a corridor after Lucius._

**Narcissa:** Where are you going, Lucius?

 **Lucius:** I’m _going_ to have a spa day after that Drama Club disaster, of course, Narcissa!

 **Narcissa:** Oh Lucius! But you’re already gorgeous! 

**Lucius:** _(Pushes her away)_ Are you blind?! Look at me! My hair is in disarray! 

_Primadonna Girl by Marina starts playing. Lucius does a hair flip over his shoulder to turn to the audience. His Slytherin admirers come on as back up dancers._

**…**

#  **SCENE 20**

_Rita walks down a hall moodily. There is soot on her face. The Fat Lady appears._

**Fat Lady:** Oh hi Rita! My, you look quite the sight don’t you.

_Rita stops angrily._

**Rita:** What are you doing down here on the first floor? Who’s watching the common room?

 **Fat Lady:** _(Shrugs)_ It’s the winter solstice! I’ve left Cadigan in charge again -he seems to love the job. Although I heard that last year he changed the password every hour... _and_ he wouldn’t let me back until I said Figgy Pudding. But tell me, is this about all the commotion down in the Great Hall?

 **Rita:** My roommates are crazy. 

**Fat Lady:** As you’ve told me and the world many times now dearie. Now could you fill me in? Violet the tipsy is in a state of shock and won’t tell me anything.

 **Rita:** Well, my roommate’s an arsonist, but I’m sure she’ll get away with it like always, because of her _family_. And, my entire supply of Quick Quotes magically duplicating parchment was burned to a crisp. But no-one’s going to want a story on all of this anyway, because everyone was there. 

**Fat Lady:** _(Mumbles)_ I wasn’t … Well, either way, if you’re after more of a secret, then I have something for you. Have you ever heard of the biannual ghost’s gathering? 

**Rita:** No.

 **Fat Lady:** Well, look in the woods on the night of the spring equinox, and see what you find.

 **Rita:** The forbidden forest at night? Are you quite sure that’s safe?

 **Fat Lady:** When in all these years have I led you astray? Now tell me the details of tonight's feast!

**…**

#  **SCENE 21**

_Frank Longbottom and Professor Knickertynack are standing in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. Behind them is a large cupboard that is trembling. Professor Knickertynack checks his watch. Sirius and James walk on stage right, talking._

**Sirius:** … I thought for sure that my eyebrows had been permanently scorched from my body after that Ashwindwer . _(Shudders)_

 **James:** _(Nudges him playfully in the side)_ Is _that_ going to be your Boggart? 

**Sirius:** Is yours going to be Evans turning you down again?

_James sticks his tongue out playfully._

**Professor:** Potter. Black. Glad you could finally join us.

 **James:** Sorry Professor…

 **Professor:** … And the rest of you? _(Peering behind the pair like Peter and Remus might materialize there)_

 **Sirius:** They’re sick. Terrible flu, Madam Pomfrey’s dealing with them in the Hospital Wing.

 **Professor:** Ah. It’s a shame … Lupin always astounds me during practical lessons, he’s got quite a talent for defense... Alright then. Let’s get started on the lesson. First, please hand in the essays _that you all wrote_ on Boggarts, hopefully before last night. 

_The essays are handed in._

**James:** Here’s mine, sir.

 **Sirius:** This one’s mine, Professor, and this is Remus's.

 **Professor:** None from Peter? 

**James:** Oh. Um. Actually the one I handed you was his…

 **Professor:** Hmm. _(Unrolls the scroll)_ Mr. Potter, I’m afraid this is one of the few assignments you actually wrote your name on.

 **James:** Bugger. Oh. Um. Sorry Professor, my mistake.

 **Professor:** _(Sighs and turns back to face the whole class)_ As _you all know_ , Boggarts are the embodiment of fear. They grow in places where dark emotions have festered. Once they mature, they prey on their victims by becoming their worst nightmare. There is only one to beat them - with laughter. Now, it’s not so easy to laugh in the face of the thing that terrifies you the most in this world, so what do we do?

_James and Sirius stand lazily, bored. They know the answer and they don’t care to share. Frank looks around, and raises his hand anxiously._

**Professor:** Frank?

 **Frank:** We use a spell. _Ridiculous._

 **Professor:** Very good. Now, everyone, repeat after me. _Ridiculous!_

 **Class:** _Ridiculous! (Sirius and James are much more into practical lessons than answering questions)_

 **Professor:** Good! Now, let’s start with Longbottom here 

**James and Sirius:** Whoo! Go Frank! Yeah!

 **Professor:** \- I trust that you’ve visualized what form your boggart is likely to take and how to make it, so to speak, ridiculous, as was requested in your homework?

 **Frank:** Y-yes sir.

 **Professor:** Alright. _(Rolls up sleeves) Alohomora!_

_The cupboard doors burst open and out comes, sneering and menacing, Snape. He walks toward Frank._

**Boggart:** You’re the worst excuse of a witch ever to live, Longbottom! _Jelly Legs Jinx!_

_Frank trembles, but looks down at his legs and sees that he’s still standing, the boggart cannot affect him. He squares his shoulders, and raises his wand, interrupting his bully._

**Frank:** _Ridiculous!_

_A vulture hat, fur coat, and handbag are put on the boggart._

**Boggart:** Nooo! Get it off! Get it off!!!

_All the students start laughing, and Sirius nearly falls over in giggles, pulling himself upright on James’ sleeve, barely managing to choke out:_

**Sirius:** That is the _worst_ drag I’ve ever seen, and we all saw Fabien’s Altheda impression at the Panto!

 **James:** What in _Godric’s name_ did you make him wear, Frank?

 **Frank:** Oh- um, it’s my mum’s favorite outfit. Do you think it works?

 **James:** Works? It completely messes up his whole emo aesthetic! It’s incredible! 

**Professor:** Great job Frank! Next!

_James shoves Sirius forward._

**Sirius:** Oi! _(Grins back at him)_

_The Fear and Loathing by Marina cut starts playing. Suddenly black scarves start blowing, leaving only Sirius with the boggart in the darkness. There is a ‘mirror’. Sirius looks at the mirror, perplexed and trying to hide his fear. The boggart walks into the mirror, as Sirius dressed in Slytherin robes. He has a cut/bruise on his face._

**Sirius:** Regulus? What happened?

 **Boggart:** _(Laughs cruelly)_ You think you can put all of your past on your little brother? This is _you,_ Sirius. The real you. _(Gesturing to cut)_ You think you can run from what they’ve done to you? No. You are your past.

 **Sirius:** No. _R-ridiculous!_

_The spell doesn’t work. Sirius looks around at the darkness closing in. The boggart has it’s evil song. Shows dark mark._

_Sirius tries to fight it._

**Sirius:** No. I am my own person. What others do to me doesn’t define me. I _won’t_ become one of them. _Ridiculous!_

_The boggart laughs._

_James is seen from the sidelines trying to push through the darkness to Sirius. The boggart sees him and uses him for ‘which person in Sirius’s head they like best’._

**James:** No. _(Stands besides Sirius, so that they are facing the Boggart together)._

 **Sirius:** _Ridiculous!_

_The music stops and the darkness clears. The boggart disappears, dropping the ‘mirror’ to the floor. Frank and the Professor look around, disorientated._

**Sirius:**...Just a broken mirror. … A stupid superstition. 

**Professor:** Uh … Good job boys, next!

 **James:** _(Looks over to him)_ Right. You know who you are, Siri. Fear can’t take that away. And I will always be by your side. 

**Sirius:** _(Touches his eye where the boggart had a scar)_ I won’t let this become _(touches arm where the dark mark was)_ this.

 **James:** Seriously-

_Sirius snorts._

**James:** _(Rolls his eyes) Sincerely,_ I’ve always got you. We’re marauders. We _all_ know the real you.

 **Prof:** And that wraps the lesson up! Ten points to Gryffindor for Frank, and no homework tonight! Class dismissed!

_The students head offstage, clapping Frank on the back._

**James:** Well done Frank!

 **Sirius:** Yeah, good job.

 **James:** What a class.

 **Sirius:** I can’t wait to tell the others - 

**James and Sirius:** _(Grinning wickedly)_ Snape in drag. 

**Sirius:** I can’t wait until the whole school knows!

**…**

#  **SCENE 22**

_Sybill and Rita run on stage right, opening a bedroom door, to find Bathilda in Sybill’s old bedroom. She’s lying on the floor, crying, and there’s a boggart sitting on Sybills bed, dressed as a younger version of her._

**Boggart 2:** You wanted to know why I left? Well I’m telling you. You drove me away from here, with you schedules and your stifling beliefs of what I should do and who I should become. If you weren’t such a freak yourself, I wouldn’t have had to run away. Are you still upset about the money? Are you more concerned with the theft than with the young girl who left at sixteen?

 **Bathilda:** No, no! I don’t care about that! I was worried about you! I missed you. Please-

 **Sybill:** _(Crouches down beside Bathilda)_ It’s not real Bathilda. I’m here. 

**Rita:** _(Steps in front of the boggart tentatively) R-Ridiculous!_

_The boggart smears at her and tosses her The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore. Rita freezes, looking at it._

**Bathilda:** What does it matter what’s real… 

**Sybill:** Of course it matters what’s real!

 **Bathilda:** Why do you think it grew under that bed in the first place. In your old room. 

**Sybill:** Yes, it’s my fear. But I’ve grown now, I can face it. _(Stands up and approaches the boggart)._

_The boggart sneers at her._

**Boggart 2:** You think I can’t hurt you now? Everyone has something they’re afraid of. 

_Sybill freezes in place, as the scene changes around her. Bathilda and Rita leave, reorganizing the room so the door is on the other side, and Sybill’s possessions are gone. There is one trunk by the bed, boggart-Sybill sits there, and Dumbledore enters stage left, coat draped over his arm._

_Sybill looks terrified._

**Dumbledore:** Well, Miss Trelawney, thank you for that _enlightening_ tea leaf reading. You will be notified by owl in a week if I have decided to take you on staff as professor of Divination at Hogwarts. _(Looks down at his notes and mutters while turning away and putting his coat back on)_ Don’t hold your breath…

_Behind him boggart-Sybill shrieks and falls over. Dumbledore turns back around to see her sitting back up, as if possessed. The boggart speaks in deeper, older tones, like Sybill does when she’s telling a prophecy._

**Boggart 2:** _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies..._

_There’s a rustling behind the door and it swings open, and Snape falls in from where he was eavesdropping at the door. Boggart-Sybill snaps awake._

**Boggart 2:** YOU! 

**Dumbledore:** Severus Snape.

 **Sybill:** _(Meekly)_ Severus. He heard it. And he told...

 **Dumbledore:** What has happened to you that you’re spending your evenings eavesdropping at the Hog’s Head? 

**Snape:** None of your business. Make her keep going. 

**Dumbledore:** _Repello! Colloportus!_

_Snape is thrown out of the room and the door slams shut and locks behind him._

**Dumbledore:** _(Turns back to face boggart-Sybill)_ Miss Trelawney?

_She slumps over again and sits up stiffly._

**Boggart 2:** _...and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies.... (She slumps back down and awakes, disorientated)._ Yes, yes. That will be all, I await your owl.

 **Dumbledore:** _(Holds out his hand)_ You have the job.

_The boggart-Sybill takes his hand, picks up her bag, and follows Dumbledore out of the room. Rita and Bathilda move the room back to normal. Sybill remains frozen, trying to move her mouth but no sounds come out._

**Rita:** Sybill? Are you alright?

 **Sybill:** ...he knew. Dumbledore knew I foretold this. This e _verything._ I trusted him to protect me for 16 years, and he never told me. _(Unfolds the note from her pocket)._ I got this after he died, _(laughs bitterly)_ A _note._ … and _Severus. I_ was the last to know. After years of being my friend. He betrayed me. He told the Dark lord _my_ prophecy... _My words._ It’s because of me that this war is happening. 

**Bathilda:** No, _(Puts an arm around Sybill)_ it’s because of you that we have a chance to win it. 

**…**

#  **SCENE 23**

_The Marauders are sat lounging around their dorm._

**James:** Alright lads, I’ve called you all here today to-

 **Remus:** Friendly reminder that _we all live here_ , James.

 **Sirius:** Gosh! Remus! Stick to the program!   
**Peter:** Yeah, let the man speak.

 **Remus:** He’s not a man. We’re fourteen.

 **Sirius:** Fifteen!

 **James:** OK, OK! Thanks Siri, Pete _(nodding at both of them in turn)._ I just found out from Frank, who heard from Alice, who heard from Mary, that Evans took _Snivellus_ as her plus one to the Slug Club dance tonight.

_Peter and Sirius fake gasp._

**James:** So, naturally-

 **Sirius:** _Naturally-_

 **James:** _(Glares, and stands up) -_ I need to step in and show her a higher caliber of witch, by surprising her at the dance! I can’t let Evans stay hanging around that creep. His Slytherin stink could rub off on her. They hate witches like her! She doesn’t deserve that! What does she even see in him, when _I_ , glorious Gryfindor admirer, James F. Potter-

 **Sirius:** Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all before, James.

 **Peter:** What does the ‘F’ stand for?

 **James:** Nothing! It doesn’t matter!

 **Sirius:** It’s for _Fleamont-- (James slaps a hand over Sirius’ mouth, but it’s too late)_

_Sirius keeps laughing like crazy._

**James:** _(Sulkily)_ It’s my dad’s name.

 **Remus:** _(Rolls eyes)_ Anyway. James, please think about this. When has this worked out for you in the past?-

 **Sirius:** No! Don’t listen to him. _I_ believe in you James! I believe in your love!

 **Remus:** He just enjoys watching Lily humiliate you.

 **Peter:** Like that time she hexed your hands so they stuck to your crotch all day… Look mate, just, are you sure it’s for the best?

 **James:** Guys! What is this! You’re supposed to _support_ me! You’re supposed to be my _mates!_

 **Remus:** And we are. We’ve seen how this ends many times before--

 **Peter: -** Many, many times-

 **Remus:** \- and we’re trying to protect you.

 **Sirius:** Well, I think you should go for it--

_James aims a kick at him._

**Sirius:** OI!

 **James:** You could _protect_ me by coming with me as my moral support!

 **Remus:** What are you even trying to do?

_James unfurls a giant, glittery poster, and sets down a radio by his feet._

**James:** Prom-pose! _(Seeing the looks on Remus and Peter’s face)_ It’s a thing Sirius heard of in muggle studies! Muggles make these posters and play songs to ask each other to school dances, it’s like a grand romantic gesture!

 **Remus:** I know what a Prom-Posal is, James.

 **Peter:** Well, I didn’t! And how did you get that muggle box into Hogwarts?

 **Sirius:** It’s called a radio. It plays music. I told the muggle studies professor I needed it for a _very important project_

 **Remus:** Project “ _make James look pathetic”_?

 **James:** Oi!

 **Remus:** James, listen, Lily’s hated every romantic gesture you’ve ever thrown her way. What makes you think making it bigger will help at all? Also she’s already _at_ a dance _with_ a date-

 **James:** A date?! You don’t actually think they’re going as dates?! MOONY! What did she tell you!

 **Remus:** She didn’t tell me anything.

 **James:** OK, OK, …

 **Sirius:** Yeah, and don’t be such a killjoy, Remus, this plan is going to be epic. There’s glitter for a start.

 **Peter:** Yeah, _lots of glitter_ \- woah!

 **James:** Yeah! Lots of glitter! Even Evans can’t resist it! She’s going to be balled over at the ball!

 **Remus:** She’s going to burn it. And you. And us. And probably the potions essay I asked for her help with. _(Looks at James’ face)_ But fine, let’s go.

 **James:** Yes! _(Jumps up and throws on his invisibility cloak)_

_They leave, stage right. They enter again, stage left, tiptoeing in the dark hallway._

**Sirius:** _(Giggling, tugs on James’ sleeve)_ So, what are you going to say to her?

 **Peter:** Shh! Filch could hear us! Or Monsieur Whiskers … _(shivers)_

 **Sirius:** What? Are you scared of a _cat,_ Peter? Don’t be stupid. It can’t hurt you - it’s not like you’re a _mouse_ or something.

_There’s a shuffle and they all freeze. Monsieur Whiskers peaks his head around the corner._

**_Remus:_ ** _(Hisses)_ Run!

_They all start running on the spot._

**James:** Pete! Go! Distract her! 

**Peter:** What?! Why me??

 **James:** Because you look the most innocent. Just pretend like you got lost!

 **Peter:** Lost from where? You know I’m a terrible actor! And I don’t like that cat!

 **Sirius:** Seriously Peter! Monsieur Whiskers isn’t going to kill you - unlike McGonagall will if she catches all four of us out of bed again! You know how she gets about house points!

 **James:** GO! Take one for the team!

_James pushes Sirius, who pushes Peter, who stumbles towards the cat. Remus tries to catch him, but Sirius grabs his hand and pulls him along after James, off stage right._

_Filch steps onstage and smiles evilly._

**Peter:** Filch!

 **Filch:** Student out of bed, hmm? Monsieur Whiskers, take him to McGonagall! Where’s the rest of you? Don’t play dumb, I know there’s always four. I’ll find you …

_Filch exits stage right, Peter exits stage left with the cat._

_James, Sirius, and Remus enter stage left, jogging on the spot._

**Sirius:** Oh my god. Oh my god. Filch got him!

 **James:** It’s too late for him now. We’ve got to keep going, we’re nearly at the party.

 **Sirius:** You go! You have the cloak!

 **James:** What?! No! What happened to support!

 **Sirius:** You know Filch - he’s too young and spry to out run! We don’t stand a chance! Me and Remus should hide. 

**James:** Bu-But… 

**Remus:** We’ll be fine, James.

_Sirius grabs Remus’s elbow and they start to run off stage left._

**Sirius:** GO!

 **James:** _(Kicks the floor, muttering)_ What happened to BFFs before bros… _(shakes head)_ No James, you’ve got to pull through - for Lily! _(Pulls hood up and runs off stage right)_

_James steps tentatively into the party from stage left. He half hides behind some balloons and throws off his cloak. He spots Lily and Severus by the punch bowl. He sets down his radio._

**Lily:** _(With her back to James)_ I wish they’d play some of the music that’s on the radio back home, all this classical stuff gets old. 

**Severus:** You mean muggle music, Lily? Why would they play that here?

 **Lily:** _(Crosses her arms)_ Because it’s good, Sev.

_Severus spots James over Lily’s shoulder. He tugs her hand._

**Severus:** C’mon Lily.

 **Lily:** What is it?

 **James:** HEY! EVANS! _(Starts blasting ‘You Belong With Me’ by Taylor Swift)_

_Lily snaps around and looks bewildered, then angry. There is a dance number. Snape vs James. It ends when Lily marches up and turns off the music._

**Lily:** What are you even doing this time, Potter.

 **James:** _(Waves the poster)_ P-prom posing.

 **Lily:** _(Through her teeth)_ You really never give up.

 **Severus:** Yeah, Potter, can’t tell when a girl doesn’t like you?

 **Lily:** _(Rolls eyes)_ How are you even here, Potter? This dance is exclusively for the Slug Club.

 **James:** I’m here because I _have_ to free you from scum like him. You can do so much better Evans, you don’t have to keep hanging around him.

 **Lily:** And I suppose you think you’re that ‘better’ choice?

 **Severus:** _(Tugging at Lily’s hand) Lily…_

 **Lily:** Stop that Sev! I can handle myself!

 **James:** Yeah, Snivellus!

 **Lily and Severus:** Shut up!

 **Severus:** _(Steps forward, brandishing his wand)_ You just had to come ruin the party, didn’t you Potter? Can’t get it through your thick head-

 **Lily:** Sev! _(Pulls him back, stopping him from cursing James)_

 **James:** You think you deserve to be here? Slughorn didn’t invite you either, despite the fact that you’re even in his house. 

_Severus snarls and raises his wand again. James raises his wand to match._

_McGonagall rushes on stage left, looking furious and exhausted. Severus immediately hides his wand but it is too late for James. He looks at Severus, confused, still pointing his wand._

**McGonagall:** MR. POTTER! 

_James freezes, panics, and throws his wand behind him, where it hits a random partying student and falls to the floor._

THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS MONTH! WHEN ARGUS TOLD ME I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT!- Well, I could, but how dare you set such an example of yourself! AND threatening guests of this party?! _(Gestures at the random student and Severus)_ Thirty points from Gryffindor! 

**James:** But- but Professor! 

**McGonagall:** No buts! Why do you make me do this, Potter? _(Whispers as she leads him out)_ You could at least _try_ not to get caught if you must get up to all this rule breaking.

_Lily goes over and picks up the wand, but Severus yanks it out of her hand. He goes to snap it but when Lily looks at him outraged and touches his arm he looks at her like “what?”._

**Lily:** _Sev!_

 **Severus:** What? I was just going to give it to him. _(Throws it offstage after James)_

**…**

#  **SCENE 24**

_The four Marauders are walking together in the Forbidden Forest. Peter keeps shuddering, Remus is looking around carefully. There is an uncomfortable silence._

**Sirius:** Well, at least this beats scrubbing cauldrons for a month.

_They all turn to glare at him._

**Sirius:** Sheesh. Tough crowd.

 **James:** You and Remus would ‘hide’, would you? You’d ‘be fine’? But now we’re all here. With the _worst_ detention. Because _all four_ of us were caught.

 **Sirius:** Well, we _tried._

_Remus looks away, as if he is trying not to disagree._

**James:** But you got caught, didn’t you. 

**Sirius:** _(Scratches neck, and looks at shoes. He sounds sad)_ Yeah. Definitely got caught.

 **Remus:** We should be careful, guys. There are things in these woods.

 **Peter:** Why do they send us out here for detention! It’s ridiculous! It’s literally called the _Forbidden Forest_. Well known for its dark creatures like Vampire Bats and Werewolves-

 **Sirius:** Peter!

 **Peter:** Sorry, Remus, I forgot …

 **Remus:** ‘S okay. You’re not wrong.

 **Sirius:** You are _not_ a dark creature!

_Remus looks sad and unconvinced._

**James:** Hey, how about we gather some ingredients, since we’re out here anyway.

 **Sirius:** _(Perks up)_ Yeah, there’s supposed to be Mandrake leaves in this forest.

 **Remus:** Ingredients for what?

_The other three exchange shady glances. Remus glares at each of them in turn. Peter breaks._

**Peter:** _(Very fast)_ Ingredients for the animagus potion. 

**Remus:** What?!

 **James:** OK, so I know it sounds crazy, but just listen …

 **Remus:** Listen?! That is highly dangerous! Illegal! Why would you ever-

 **Sirius:** Because we want to help you! 

**Remus:** What?

 **Sirius:** We’ve been doing research since we first found out you were a Werewolf, we discovered that it can help the transformation to have company, and that Werewolves can’t turn animals Were, so we thought-

 **Remus:** Thought you’d just complete an incredibly dangerous process, that is years above your level, _illegally,_ just so what? Just so you could help me?

 **James:** There’s no ‘just’ about it, Remus. You’re our friend. We can’t let you suffer.

 **Remus:** I didn’t ask for your help! I didn’t ask you to risk _anything_ for me!

 **Sirius:** Well, we’re going to. There’s nothing you can do to stop us.

 **James:** Yeah, it’ not like you’re going to tell McGonagall.

 **Peter:** You’re not going to tell McGonagall, are you?

 **Remus:** Ugh. No. Fine. 

**The other three:** _(Surround him in a group hug)_ Yes! 

**James:** OK! Lets get picking!

_The three of them look on the sides of the path as they trudge on, occasionally picking something. But then looking disgruntled and discarding it._

**Peter:** Guys, I think I see some Mandrake leaves out there- _(heads off the path towards it, crouching down to pick some)_

_Remus’ head turns sharply, his eyes move quickly back and forth, body tense, suddenly he bolts after Peter, grabbing him by the back of his jacket and pulling him back to the path._

**Sirius:** Remus!

 **Remus:** _(Turning back to look at him)_ Stay on the path. 

**Peter:** _(Being dragged back, terrified, panting)_ What the bloody _fuck_ was that, Remus?

 **Remus:** You should have stuck to the path-

 **James:** Lay off, at least he got some leaves.

 **Peter:** Yeah - this is the right shape, right?

 **James:** Yep, _(thumping Peter congragitorily on the shoulder)_ good job mate-

 **Remus:** I heard something out there, it was gaining on you, it was out on the hunt. 

**Peter:** What?! Bloody hell! _Hunting_ me! These woods are horrifying! And we’re just students! Unaccompanied students! This goddamned school is so insane! 

Do you remember, I nearly broke my neck seven times in first year on those trick staircases! 

**James:** Ehhh, it was more like five.

 **Remus:** No, it was seven times, I counted.

 **Peter:** Honestly it is just like Dumbledore to send us out here for an all nighter. ON. A. WEEKNIGHT. Presumably to teach us some sort of lesson about sneaking out after hours, but probably for his own sick amusement! He even lets Filch keep old chains and torture equipment in his office! 

**James:** Yeah… oh barmy old Dumbles, I wonder what made him this way…

 **Sirius:** My mother suspects it’s too many failed experiments, they messed with his brain - that and his muggle sympathies - but we all know my mother is an evil old bat.

 **Peter:** I think he had a tortured love affair in his youth with a foriegn boy who turned out to be a supervillain. Leaving him with a warped vision of the world aided by his own mad power, and a broken heart. Being too grand of a witch having already alienated him from his peers. 

_Shocked silence._

**James:** Nah, he’s probably sleeping with McGoogs, but she wipes his memory every time, so his mind’s all scrambled now. 

**Sirius:** What do you think, Remus?

 **Remus:** _(Shrugs)_ I think he’s alright, he let me come here after all.

 **Sirius:** You have a right to be here. You shouldn’t have to be grateful that he’s not a speciesist arsehole.

_A ghostly wail cuts through the conversation._

**Peter:** What was that!

 **James:** Probably nothing.

 **Remus:** Or it could be the Spirits of the Wood.

_WhooOOoo!_

**Sirius:** The _what_?

 **Remus:** The Spirits of the Wood. 

_WhooOOoo!_

They’re the corrupted ghosts of evil witches who died as a result of dark magic, right in these very woods. 

_WhooOOoo!_

_Everyone but Remus jumps._

**Remus:** Didn’t you guys read Hogwarts a History?

 **Them:** No.

 **Remus:** They come out on clear winters nights like these _(points at the sky)_ to feed. We need to stay alert. 

**James:** There has to be something we can do - _(gasps)_ my mum knows songs for this sort of thing.

 **Sirius:** Songs?

 **James:** A sort of spell that you chant to ward away bad spirits.

 **Peter:** Like a lullaby?

 **James:** No! _(Splutters)_ Maybe- I mean- Uh- It goes like this - _(starts singing the ghost song and doing the dance moves:)_

_There’s a nose in the air,_

_But I really don’t care,_

_‘Cause I’m not afraid of ghosts._

_I’ve gone to school,_

_I’ve seen Binns drool,_

_And I’m not afraid of ghosts._

**Remus:** But these are the Spirits of the Wood!

_WhooOOoo!_

**James:** Shh! Remus! This is _magic_. 

_There’s a knocking in my knees,_

_But it’s only from the breeze in the trees,_

_‘Cause I’m not afraid of ghosts._

Guys! Come on! Join in! It needs more magic!

_Peter’s voice catches but he joins in for the first verse, then Sirius does for the second._

**James:** Remus? 

**Remus:** I don’t sing…

 **James and Sirius:** Yes you do!

 **Peter:** Come on Remus.

 **All but Remus:** Remus! Remus! Remus! 

_Remus meets Sirius’s eyes and joins the song for the third verse._

**James:** Yes! The spell is working! It has created someone to warn us when a spirit gets close _(points at crowd)_! When you see a spirit, yell! OK? Let’s practice!

_They continue to sing the song. A Spirit enters behind them._

:Behind you! Ghost! Spirit!

 **All:** What?! Where?!

 **James:** Let’s look this way! _(Point stage right)_

_James leads the marauders in a wide circle, clockwise. The spirit follows behind them , so they don’t see it. They go back to their original places and shrug/ gesture questionly at the audience._

**Sirius:** There’s nothing there!

 **Peter:** Why’d you lie to us?

_A spirit comes from behind and grabs Remus, who gives a startled croak. Sirius notices._

**Sirius:** Remus!

_He grabs hold of Remus, before getting pulled off stage too. James and Peter look around, confused and scared._

**James:** Peter! Remus and Sirius are gone! 

**Peter:** … Oh, good. _Finally_.

 **James:** What?! Good? The spirits must have taken them!

 **Peter:** Oh… you don’t know... don’t worry, James. Let’s just keep singing.

 **James:** OK…

 **Both:** Well, we’ll have to sing it again then, won’t we?

_They continue to sing the ghost song. A spirit appears. James and Peter look around TERRIBLY. Then James gets taken, and Peter gets scared._

**Peter:** James? _James? Oh no._ … Well, I’ll have to sing it again then, won’t I?

_He continues to sing shakily. A spirit comes on stage and starts to do the dance with Peter. He smiles and dances with it before realising, looking, screaming, and then being dragged off, too._

**…**

##  **_~_** _Intermission_ **_~_**

**…**

#  **SCENE 25**

_Peeves enters the woods, turns around and sees the audience._

**Peeves:** Oh! You’re here too. … I wonder, could you tell me. 

_Unbeknownst to Peeves, behind him Sir Nicholas is entering the woods._

**Peeves:** Who’s the ugliest ghost?

: Nearly headless nick!

 **Sir Nicholas:** Excuse me?

_Peeves swings around in astonishment and glee._

**Peeves:** _(Gleefully)_ You heard that? 

**Sir Nicholas:** I heard you trying to make these trees tell me I’m ugly, yes. Well, I may be ugly but you- you talk to trees!

 **Peeves:** Sure. _(Turns back to face the audience)_ There is something I have to say. It is my most solemn duty to inform you, that they all died. 

**Sir Nicholas:** Excuse me who? Because I am dead, that’s what a ghost is.

 **Peeves:** Not you, _nearly-brainless._

_Sir Nicholas scoffs in outrage._

**Peeves:** The four students wandering the forest tonight.

 **Sir Nicholas:** There were students in the forest tonight?! B-but tonight is the Biannual Ghost’s Gathering!

 **Peeves:** You didn’t know? They _were_ from your house.

 **Sir Nicholas:** Well, w-we Gryffindors are very courageous a-and confident. -Wait did you say they were dead?

 **Peeves:** Yes, _dead_ as your chances of being anything but painful on the eyes.

 **Sir Nicholas:** Now listen here, if I’m ugly, you’re-

 **Baron:** _(Enters)_ What’s this about Nicholas being ugly?

 **Sir Nicholas:** _Haha…_ dear Baron… _(looking at his silver wounds wearily)_ what a p-pleasure to see you here.

 **Baron:** As to you, Nearly Headless. 

**Sir Nicholas:** It’s actually Sir Nicholas De Pomfrey The Third! 

**Baron:** Of course, I could always fix the ‘ _nearly’_ part. 

_Nick touches his neck and gulps._

**Sir Nicholas:** N-now I was just telling Peeves- 

**Peeves:** Not to tell the truth.

 **Baron:** _(Crosses his arms)_ Is this poltergeist punk bothering you, Nicky? 

_Peeves is filled with sudden terror as he realises the Bloody Baron won’t be on his side._

**Peeves:** N-now Baron, y-your bloodiness, this is just one big misunderstanding-

 **Baron:** I don’t think I’ll see you around here tonight, Peeves. Or you’ll be dead. _Double dead._

 **Peeves:** Actually I’d only be once dead because I’m a poltergeist-

 **Baron:** OUT! _(Points off stage)_

_Peeves scurries offstage._

**Baron:** I saw some kids wandering the forest tonight. Thought I’d give them a good scare to get them out before the Spirits of the Wood found them.

_WhooOOoo!_

**Sir Nicholas:** _(Scared) Haha. Good_ scare. Now, just need a few more ghosts to get here-

_Rita is dragged in screaming, by a spirit. Sir Nicholas yelps and jumps over towards Baron._

**Sir Nicholas:** _(Pointing)_ It’s a Spirit of the Wood!

_WhooOOoo!_

**Rita:** A what?

 **Baron:** Honestly, do none of these students read Hogwarts a History?

 **Sir Nicholas:** She’s one of your students, a Slytherin. I’ve seen her sneaking around the porthole.

 **Rita:** I was not _sneaking._

 **Baron:** You’re the one who does the interviews don’t you? _Were you spying on us?_

 **Rita:** I don’t have to tell you anything. I’m not scared of you.

_Baron reaches out and tries to grab her notebook._

**Rita:** Ergh! _(Drops them at the cold of his hand)_ No! Not my notes! _(Scrambles to pick them up, but is held back by the Spirit of the Wood)_

 **Sir Nicholas:** _(Steps forward)_ L-Let her go!

 **Baron:** Get back, do you want to be eaten instead?  
 **Sir Nicholas:** It can’t eat me, I’m a ghost.

 **Spirit:** _...There’s dark magic at this school, … eeeevil things growing…, There’s a war outside these grounds, … need to be ready… need to feed…_

 **Sir Nicholas:** Not tonight! I have been planning this gathering for six months! Now fuck off! _(Launches himself at the Spirit, they grab each other's arms and ‘fight’)_

 **Rita:** A ghost fight! _(Starts scribbling)_

 **Sir Nicholas:** Be. Gone. _(With a final push he pushes the spirit offstage. Pauses, breathes heavily)_ Oh Merlin’s bald spot. I just did that. Eh, probably a fluke. Now, let us find those other ghosts, it’s time for me to hereby commence the 1856th biannual ghost’s gathering at Hogwarts. 

_He and Baron start to head offstage, Rita tries to follow._

Not you, _(points at Rita)_ go back inside. 

_Rita groans and goes off in the other direction._

**…**

_A Basilisk slithers along the Hogwarts hall._

**…**

#  **SCENE 26**

_The Four Marauders are collapsed in their dormitory._

**Sirius:** Well, do you have it?

 **Peter:** _(Fishing around in his pockets)_ Yeah, it’s right in here- _(pulls out three kale leaves)_ three Mandrake leaves. 

**James:** Our only spoils of war…

 **Peter:** I still can’t believe we made it out of there.

 **Sirius:** Yeah, good thing Hagrid was nearby… and that he had that magic umbrella.

 **Remus:** I should have kept better watch.

 **James:** Nah, don’t beat yourself up. It was the magical guide’s fault. Complete crap at warning us. … OK lads, ready? Remember that once you put your leaf under your tongue you have to keep it there for one whole month. _Exactly._

 **Remus:** Are you guys really going to do this?

 **James:** You can’t sway a Potter once we’ve put our mind to something.

 **Sirius:** Or a Black!

_Peter looks back and forth between them. James and Sirius glare at him._

**Peter:** _(Squeaks)_ Or a Pettigrew!

 **James & Sirius: **… Nah, it doesn’t sound right…

_Peter gives a disappointed shrug._

**Remus:** _(Looks exasperatedly around at them)_ I feel like I’m obligated to remind you that this is all extremely illegal. Also, that I never asked for your help.

 **Sirius:** But you need it! We’re not going to sit back and do nothing!

 **James:** Yeah! We’re the Marauders!

 **Remus:** _(Sigh)_ James, that’s such a dorky name.

 **Sirius:** _(Offended)_ Like- like you’d know what was cool.

 **Peter:** I think it’s a great name James.

 **Remus:** All of you like to forget that you’re also extremely uncool. Complete dorks. 

_Sirius looks scandalized. Remus rolls his eyes._

**Peter:** Wait- how are we supposed to eat with these in our mouths?

 **James:** … Carefully.

_Peter does not look satisfied with that answer._

**Sirius:** Or kiss- yaknow, ‘cause I can’t leave the girls wondering for a month.

_Remus balls up his fists and looks away. James nods, understandingly. Peter looks awed._

**James:** We have to suck it up. Remember, it’s marauders first, we’re doing this for Moony. 

**Remus:** I can’t wait until James assigns you all stupid pun names based on your animals too.

 **Sirius:** _(Teasing)_ I thought you didn’t want us to do this.

 **Remus:** Let me wish for group suffering in peace.

 **James:** Alright lads. On three - One - Two - Three!

_Everyone but Remus stuffs a leaf into their mouth._

**Peter:** _(Words slurred)_ UGh! Tastes like soap!

 **Sirius:** _(Words slurred)_ Uhh. How are we going to do lessons?

 **James:** _(Words slurred) (sudden fear)_ Uh. We’ll tell them we’re protesting. Like a month of silence, and we’ll write on parchment instead.

 **Peter:** _(Words slurred)_ Protesting what?

 **James:** _(Words slurred)_ Uhhh. First-Years being banned from bringing their own brooms!

 **Sirius:** _(Words slurred)_ But we’re fourth years.

 **James:** _(Words slurred) (defensively)_ We’re just really compassionate! 

**Remus:** Oh Merlin…

**…**

#  **SCENE 27**

_James and Sirius sit on the grass, looking out. James leans his head back, blissful._

**James:** Ah, only one more day until we get our OWL results… I hope mum isn’t too upset when she finds out I slept through my astronomy exam. Next year we’ll only have to take the classes we want to. It’ll be great.

 **Sirius:** Like this summer, finally out of that house, for good. Spending my days here with you.

 **James:** The best summer yet.

_Sirius fidgets._

**Sirius:** _(Looking at his hands)_ James, uh,

 **James:** _(Turns to face Sirius)_ Yeah mate?

 **Sirius:** I need to tell you something.

 **James:** What is it?

 **Sirius:** I-... I’m…

 **James:** _(Reaching out to put a hand on Sirius’s shoulder)_ Padfoot? You okay?

 **Sirius:** _(Flinches away, then leans back into his touch, breathes deeply)_ Please don’t hate me, okay-

 **James:** _(Gasps and withdraws his hand)_ You’re dating Lily. 

**Sirius:** No, Prongs, calm down.

 **James:** Then why would I hate you? … _(Reaches for Sirius’s left arm, suddenly fearful)_ your parents didn’t make you…

 **Sirius:** No, _(Pulls sleeve up)._ They aren’t rushing to you-know-who’s side, though you know _Bellatrix_ of course… this isn’t what I wanted to talk about.

 **James:** You’re my best friend, Pads, like a brother, you can tell me anything.

 **Sirius:** _(Nods and looks away sadly)_ I’m bisexual. I like guys too.

_James freezes. Sirius turns to look at him and flinches at the shock on his face._

**Sirius:** _(Frantic)_ Oh. I’m sorry. I knew this could happen, but please don’t tell anyone yet, let me finish this summer with your family- 

**James:** _(Dazed)_ Woah woah woah. They’re your family too, now. And that’s not going to change.

 **Sirius:** What? 

**James:** I will always be your brother, Siri. Marauders forever. I don’t care that you are a bit gay or whatever. We’re best mates, right?

 **Sirius:** _(Wipes tears away, sniffs)._ Right. 

**James:** So… who’re you bi for?

 **Sirius:** _(Jumps)_ Pfft. What? Nobody. I’m just bi. _(Stands up)_

 **James:** _(Getting up to follow him) Sincerely._ Tell me who you like! I told you about Lily! 

**Sirius:** And I’ve mocked you relentlessly ever since. There’s no way I’m telling. 

**James:** Aha! So there is somebody! … Now if I get all the Marauders to pester you, and mum, then you’ll crack in approximately... fifteen hours. 

**Sirius:** Wait, no- James! You are keeping your mouth shut about this! I’m serio- _Sincere._ Don’t tell anyone.

 **James:** Alright, alright. I swear. _(Mimes zipping his mouth shut)_ … _(unzips mouth hurriedly)_ wait - this doesn’t mean you’re going to go off and join the QSA Drama Club, does it?  
 **Sirius:** What? No! Like I’d start hanging out with Lockhart instead of the _Marauders_ ! - plus I think it’s been permanently disbanded since _the incident_ …

 **James:** OK, OK, … sorry for doubting your loyalties.

_They head off stage left, and re-enter stage right with Peter, in school uniform._

**Peter:** Sixth year, finally. Now I never have to take another Transfiguration class in my life.

 **Sirius:** Ow, poor Minnie’s ears are burning. Now however will I seduce her if my friend is slandering her good name?

 **James:** C’mon Pete. You’re great at transfiguration-

 **Peter:** That’s not what my OWLs say-

 **James:** They’re bollocks, _we_ know you’re-

 **Remus:** _(Enters stage left)_ Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. 

**Sirius:** Moony!

_Sirius runs at Remus, closely followed by James and Peter._

**Remus:** Ah. Careful guys, not so soon after the full. 

_Sirius steps back, looking Remus up and down, worried._

**Sirius:** You should have let us help you this summer.

 **Remus:** Like your parents would have let you out.

 **Sirius:** Haven’t you heard the wonderful news? I’m free!

 **Remus:** Free?

 **Sirius:** Disowned, disinherited, the whole lot. 

**Remus:** Oh, god.

 **James:** _(Puts an arm around Sirius’ shoulder)_ He stayed with me all summer. 

_Sirius steps forward and links arms with Remus, pulling him along._

**Sirius:** C’mon, let’s go find our carriage.

 **Remus:** We don’t have a carriage-

_James stands still and his jaw falls open as he watches them walk away._

**James:** Oh.

 **Peter:** What? _(Looks up and sees James’ face)_ Oh, so you’ve finally caught on. 

**James:** What. No. There’s nothing. 

**Peter:** _Sincerely,_ Prongs. I’ve known for _years_.

 _Wolfstar by The Whomping Willows plays, James and Peter sing, they go to the dorm and the great hall, observing Sirius and Remus failing to hide their giant crushes._

**…**

#  **SCENE 28**

_Bathilda’s. Rita and Sybill sit close together._

**Bathilda:** Ah… poor Lily and James. I remember when they and Harry lived just down the road. Of course, Harry was an infant then, he wouldn’t remember it … I wonder what he’s doing now?

 **Sybill:** Probably rotting in a ditch somewhere.

 **Bathilda:** _(Glares at Sybill)._ What do you think Rita?

 **Rita:** How would I know? The _Ministry_ hasn’t even got a clue. 

**Bathilda:** Well, I suppose that’s good then. He’s still out there, hiding.

 **Sybill:** As far as we know…

 **Rita:** _(Puts a hand over Sybill’s)_ We’re not done with this yet, anyway. There’s still Harry’s years at Hogwarts.

 **Sybill:** Oh yes- his friend, Ron was one of my star pupils - his dream charts were spectacular! The one about boiling Severus Snape in his cauldron… 

**Rita:** And his relationships! The drama! The Love Triangles!

 **Sybill:** I heard Ron stopped taking Divination, clearly that was because that Umbridge woman took my job away during his OWL year.

 **Rita:** Dolores! She took over Hogwarts in ‘95, right?

 **Bathilda:** Yes.

 **Rita:** Of course _that_ was the year the Granger girl had me blackmailed into silence! I mean really! Talk about the freedom of the press! 

**Sybill:** Ah, yes, Granger has no eye for Divination either…

 **Rita:** I was only allowed to write _one_ exposé the ENTIRE YEAR! And whilst all that juicy gossip about Dumbledore and Harry was circling around! It’s a reporter’s worst nightmare!

 **Bathilda:** Harry’s years at Hogwarts… those decades were very important, formative years in magical history - as we can all see now. I wonder what it was like at school? 

**Rita:** Luckily you don’t have to wonder. I have pages of gossip saved up.

 **Sybill:** Hey! I was there too!

 **Rita:** I’ll be back before you can say animagus! _(Air kisses Sybills temple and then runs off)_

 **Sybill:** _(Touches her temple tenderly)_ Be careful!

**…**

#  **SCENE 29**

_Rita walks alone down a Hogwarts hallway._

**Rita:** The Inquisitorial Squad. Umbridge’s private force, created to undermine Dumbledore’s Prefect System. Ah, the material I could have published on it… and with Draco at the head of it - he always enjoyed my interviews.

_‘Be Prepared’ starts playing. Rita exits. Draco enters, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle. The Slytherins Sing and dance._

**Draco:** Can you believe it? Professor Umbridge has put me in charge of this mission to catch Potter’s illegal club! We will not let her down. Ha! Imagine what Potter’s face will be when I capture him and bring him to Umbridge. I’ll be so cool. Crabbe? Goyle?

 **Goyle:** We get it, Draco. You’re like gay for Potter and all-

 **Draco:** What?! ME?! Gay?! For POTTER??!

 **Crabbe:** Yeah, but can you please stop interrupting our dates. It’s getting old.

 **Draco:** You two are dating?! Eurgh. I do not want to imagine that. And seriously. I’m not gay, especially for Potter.

 **Goyle:** Um, you totally are.

 **Crabbe:** Yeah, those badges last year? Dead give away.

 **Draco:** Wha-

 **Goyle:** And you never shut up about him. Everyone knows you only became a seeker so you could have an excuse to obsess over Potter even more. 

**Draco:** NO!- _everyone?_

 **Crabbe:** And that time you made me help you climb into that tree, and then made us wait for two hours so that you’d ‘look cool when Potter came by’?

 **Goyle:** Gay. It’s gay. You’re gay.

 **Draco:** NO! I am not! Anyway, we’re on official business-

 **Goyle:** And remember that time in Second year when he wrote that love poem-

 **Draco:** That wasn’t me! That was that Weasley girl!

 **Crabbe:** Draco, a Blood Traitor is not going to call the Dark Lord the ‘Dark Lord’.

 **Goyle:** _His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,_

_His hair is as dark as a blackboard,_

_I wish he was mine, he’s really divine,_

_The hero who conquered the Dark Lord_

**Crabbe:** _(Laughing)_ What a time, what a time… Remember when he was pretending his arm hurt that whole month in third year?

 **Goyle:** And he’d only make a big SCENE of it whenever Potter came in the room?

 **Crabbe:** Royally backfired, that did, Pansy could not stop fussing over him.

 **Goyle:** Or, when he kept pretending to faint around him that year.

 **Crabbe:** Oh, Merlin. That was truly awful flirting, Draco. What did you expect- for Potter to catch you in his arms?

 **Draco:** That wasn’t flirting! That was bullying!

 **Goyle:** Like he said, truly awful, you need help.

_Harry enters stage left, running and looking around._

**Draco:** Will you two shut up! - Look it’s Potter! He’s escaping!

_Crabbe and Goyle roll their eyes._

**Harry:** Oh _fuck_ , It’s you! _(Bolts away, off stage left)_

 **Goyle:** I think you need to accept that he will always be the one who got away-

_Draco runs off after him._

**Crabbe:** _(Shrugs)_ We tried.

**…**

#  **SCENE 31**

_Three students sit at desks in Flitwick’s classroom. Flitwick is teaching a lesson. Dolores Umbridge strolls in, stage right, holding her inspector clipboard._

**Dolores:** _Hem-hem._ Flitwick. I’m here for your inspection.

 **Flitwick:** Ah, yes, Umbridge. Well, you can take that seat over there-

 **Dolores:** Actually, I wanted to ask you some questions.

 **Flitwick:** I was in the middle of teaching my lesson-

 **Dolores:** _Hem-Hem._ Professor. You seem to have forgotten. I am the High Inquisitor.

 **Flitwick:** Yes, yes, I know. I was under the impression that your duty was to observe and evaluate my teaching, so if you please, I would like to get back to instructing my students on how to perform the _Accio_ charm- 

**Dolores:** _HEM- HEM._

_Flitwick nearly topples over, startled._

I am here under Ministry orders to evaluate the education at Hogwarts. I shall be asking you questions.

 **Flitwick:** Very well.

 **Dolores:** I have heard that you used to run a school club called … _(reading off clipboard) Hem-hem._ ‘The Queer Drama Club And Allies Can Join Too I Guess?’ 

_The class starts laughing._

**Ginevra:** _(Awestruck)_ There was a school club called ... _that_? 

**Luna:** Now _that’s_ true magic…

 **Flitwick:** Yes?  
 **Dolores:** I would like you to recount the events that led to it’s disbandment.

 **Flitwick:** I don’t see how that’s at all relevant to my inspection. It was twenty years ago - and weren’t you there?

 **Dolores:** Yes. I was. But I think you’ll find that I have it within my authority to question teachers on any and all school related activities. I do hope you’ll comply. I’d hate to be forced to disband your choir club…

 **Flitwick:** Yes. Alright then. Well, we had an unfortunate prop accident in 1974… At the annual Yule Panto-

 **Luna:** Annual Yule Panto! Ah! Just imagine- the majesty and limitlessness of magical special effects mixing with the genius of muggle culture-

 **Dolores:** Sit down girl. Before I give you detention.

_Luna grabs her wrist protectively and sits._

**Student 3:** Yeah, shut up, Loony Lovegood. 

_Ginny wheels around in her seat to face him, wand out, but Luna stops her with her hand._

**Dolores:** Tell them what happened, Flitwick.

 **Flitwick:** _(Sighs)_ We were putting on the Fountain of Fair Fortune-

 **Dolores:** A bit of an unsavory tale to put on at a _school_ , don’t you think.

 **Student 3:** _(Wrinkles his face)_ What happened to freedom of knowledge?

 **Flitwick:** \- we were halfway through the performance when two of our actresses started fiercely and violently dueling. It appears that there had been an undercurrent of relationship drama within the cast-

 **Umbridge:** _Hem-hem._

 **Flitwick:** However, bigger problems were underway. Our set team had made a mistake while collecting a flobberworm to _engorgio_ into the giant worm. The had instead enlarged an Ashwinder.

_The class gasp, horrified._

**Flitwick:** There was a very nasty explosion … ever since, it has become common belief that school plays are cursed. _Even though it was a Pantomime._ The Drama Club has been disbanded for many years now - however, if anyone is interested, I’d be more than glad to revive it.

 **Luna:** _(Makes eye contact with Ginny)_ I’d like to join, Professor.

 **Student 3:** Should we add _Lesbo_ to your name, Loony? 

**Luna:** Actually, I prefer Sapphic.

 **Dolores:** _Hem-hem._ That is exactly the type of sick branch I have been sent to prune from our… _infected_ education system. 

**Flitwick:** Now listen here-

 **Dolores:** Clubs which encourage non-student-friendly behavior and ideas have no place here. This is a _school_ . A _witching_ school. It is a sanctuary from the confusing outside forces of the muggle world.

_The class is silent. Fuming/ dumbstruck._

**Dolores:** _(Self-pleased giggle) Hem-hem._ I think my work is done here. Watch your steps Flitwick. This is my school now. 

_Umbridge’s theme plays as she exits stage left._

**…**

#  **SCENE 32**

_Back at Bathilda’s Bungalow._

**Bathilda:** … Animagus.

 **Sybill:** _(Bites lip nervously)_ I don’t like her being gone. It’s getting bad out there.

 **Bathilda:** _(Nods, pats her hand)_ Why don’t we talk about Harry’s years while we wait? What happens next?

 **Sybill:** _This_ is next. We’re here. This war. _You-know-who_ , back, in control - Wait! I’m sensing something!

 **Bathilda:** Your hatred of a certain stuck up toad?

 **Sybill:** No- although she is _such_ a homophobe-

 **Bathilda:** And that censorship! I’ve had to put anti-burning jinxes on most of my books because of people like her! People who don’t like to remember that witches have been involved with muggles since the beginning- since before ever the Beedle Bard Brothers!

 **Sybill:** _No_ \- although I do agree- what I’m sensing is the future! A vision is coming to me! Quick! Fetch my crystal ball! 

_Bathilda grabs the ball and runs it over to Sybill_

**Sybill:** Ah yes- I see it now…Harry’s children-

 **Bathilda:** Didn’t you say he was dead in a ditch?

 **Sybill:** Well he can be both!

 **Bathilda:** How can he die _and_ not die!

 **Sybill:** Wait and see- 

_There’s a knock at the door. Bathilda gets up and runs to open it._

**Bathilda:** Rita! 

**Sybill:** Wait, Bathilda, remember-

_Bathilda opens the door. Two death eaters stand in the doorway, holding a snake. Bathilda freezes in terror._

**Severus:** No, Death Eaters, Ms. Bagshot.

 **Bathilda:** _(Shaking)_ Please, no…

 **Death Eater:** _(Points wand at Bathilda) Avada-_

_Severus pushes his wand down._

**Severus:** No, remember what the Dark Lord said.

 **Sybill:** Still serving him, Severus Snape?

 **Severus:** _(Sneers)_ Sybilline Trelawney.

 **Sybill:** _(Stands up and points at Severus)_ You’re a traitor! You betrayed me when I was sixteen and you betrayed us all again! How could you?!

 **Severus:** _(Shrugs and aims his wand at her)_ It’s what us Slytherins do. Since the very beginning.

 **Sybill:** Not my Rita.

 **Severus:** _(Curious) Your_ Rita… Well where is she now?

 **Death Eater:** Snape. Enough chit chat. Let’s do what we came to do. 

**Severus:** _(Twirls, flapping his cloak)_ Are you sure you’re a Slytherin? You don’t have nearly enough dramatic flourish. 

**Death Eater:** The Dark Lord said to feed Bagshot to Nagini. He said she’d be weak and old, and Harry Potter would try to come see her soon. He didn’t say anything about company.

 **Severus:** She’s an idiotic prophetess. No threat to us. Now do our job if you’re in such a hurry.

 **Death Eater:** _(Steps towards Bathilda, coaxing Nagini)_ There you go snake, that’s the lady, c’mon, just one bite...

 **Sybill:** _(Takes her wand out shakily and steps forward)_ I won’t let you hurt her.

 **Severus:** Now that _was_ very stupid. _Sectumsempra!_

 **Bathilda:** No! _(Jumps in front of his wand, protecting Sybill)._

 **Sybill:** Bathilda!

_Bathilda groans quietly, and topples forward, holding her stomach._

**Death Eater:** That works. _(Kneels down, coaxing Nagini toward Bathilda)_

 **Sybill:** No! _(Stumbling)_ No! _(Falling to floor)_ No! _(Crawling to Bathilda)_ No… _(Passes out, lying down on the floor, then sits up stiffly and speaks in her prophecy voice)_

_“When wars have been won and lost,_

_And the both of you are behind death’s lock…”_

**…**

#  **SCENE 33**

_Albus, Scorpius, and Rose, stand in line with the rest of the unsorted new students, as they wait for sorting to begin. Scorpius looks resigned. Albus looks really nervous, Rose looks excited._

**Rose:** … And for the first Quidditch game I’ll make us a giant sweater to wear that says Go Lions! And there’ll be this lion that is charmed to roar whenever Gryffindor scores-

 **Albus:** Rose. Please stop. You know I don't like Quidditch, and I might not even get sorted into Gryffindor. 

**Rose:** Don’t be ridiculous Albus, you’re a Weasley _and_ a Potter, what else could you be?

_Albus shrugs and looks away. He makes eye contact with Scorpius._

**Albus:** Are you OK, Scorpius.

 **Scorpius:** Yeah. Fine. It’s just, um, I don’t like being in front of so many people. … I get nervous.

 **Albus:** You’ll be fine. I’ll steal all of their attention.

 **Scorpius:** Don’t do something stupid.

 **Albus:** Don’t have too. I’m ‘ _Harry Potter’s Son’. (Rolls his eyes)_

 **Rose:** Albus. Why are you talking to _him_? 

**Albus:** Why wouldn’t I? He was nice to us on the train, we could be friends.

 **Rose:** No. _We’re_ friends. He’s a _Malfoy_. He’s predestined for Slytherin.

 **Albus:** Why does it matter? Can’t I be friends with both of you?

_Rose opens her mouth to say something but the Sorting Hat is placed on a stool in front of them and starts to sing._

**Sorting Hat:**

_In times of old, when I was new, and Hogwarts barely started,_

_The founders of this nobel school thought never to be parted._

_“Together we will build and teach” the four good friends decided_

_And never did they dream that they might someday be divided,_

_For were there such friends anywhere as Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw?_

_Unless it was the other pair of Slytherin and Gryffindor?_

_But then discord crept among them, feeding on their faults and fears._

_And never since those founders four were whittled down to three,_

_Have the houses been united as they once were meant to be._

_And now the Sorting hat is here and you all know the score,_

_I sort you into houses because that is what I’m for._

_But this year I’ll go further, listen closely to my song:_

_Though condemned I am to split you, still I worry that it’s wrong._

_Though I must fulfil my duty and must quarter every year,_

_Still I wonder whether Sorting may not bring the end I fear._

_Oh, know the perils, read the signs, the warning history shows,_

_For our Hogwarts is in danger from old, insidious foes._

_And we must unite inside her, lest we crumble from within,_

_I have told you, I have warned you,_

_Let the Sorting now begin!_

_The students clap._

**Sorting Hat:** Alberts, Ginger.

_Ginger steps forward and is sorted into Gryffindor. She exits stage left._

**Sorting Hat:** Granger-Weasley, Rose.

_Rose rushes forward and jams the hat on her head. After a second she is sorted into Gryffindor. She exits stage left._

**Sorting Hat:** Malfoy, Scorpius.

_Scorpius stumbles forward, a student tries to trip him._

**Student:** _(Hisses)_ Voldemort-spawn. 

_Scorpius is sorted into Slytherin. He exits stage right._

_Albus’ sorting ceremony - ‘Make a Choice’ (This is a song I wrote, it’s about the founders trying to convince Albus to join their houses, with lots of pressure about his family of course, and a very anxious beat of “make a choice, make a choice, right in front of this crowd, ect)_

**Albus:** No! _(Rips off the hat)_

_The hall gasps._

**Albus:** This is too much -I can’t - I refuse! _(Throws the the hat)_

 **Sorting Hat:** Slytherin!

_Albus walks over to Slytherin, all the houses are shocked. He exits stage right._

**…**

#  **SCENE 34**

_Rose walks up to the Gryffindor common room, dejected, with Samantha. Led by a Prefect._

**Prefect:** Rose Granger-Weasley, right? 

**Rose:** Yeah. 

**Prefect:** I saw what happened to your cousin…

 **Rose:** I know. Everyone saw it.

 **Prefect:** … actually some people were in the Hospital Wing because Peeves set a flock of angry pigeons loose in the entry hall… but that’s not the point. I wanted to tell you, don’t worry about him anymore. He’s a Slytherin, don’t let him hold you back from being a Gryffindor, OK?

 **Rose:** OK.

_They approach the portrait hole._

**Fat Lady:** Password?

 **Prefect:** Hungarian Horntail.

_The Fat Lady opens the portrait hole._

**Samantha:** How are we supposed to climb through that? 

**Rose:** Don’t worry, just go for it, we’re Gryffindors.

_The Fat Lady starts off the song for the Gryffindor dance party, playing the ‘Gryffindors’ parody song._

**…**

#  **SCENE 35**

_Albus is walking in the hallway towards stage right, his head down and arms full of books. A Slytherin student bumps into him, going the opposite direction._

**Albus:** Sorry - I don’t know where I’m going-

 **Mean Slytherin:** Then watch it, _(sneers)_ the likes of you are not welcome in our house.

_The Slytherin student walks off stage right as Albus picks up his books._

_A group of Ravenclaws whisper as they pass him._

**Ravenclaw 1:** Look -it’s him-

 **Ravenclaw 2:** Do you think he’s really the _Boy Who Lived_ ’s son-

 **Ravenclaw 1:** He looks just like him-

 **Ravenclaw 2:** But he was sorted into Slytherin!

 **Ravenclaw 1:** Do you think he’s a _dark witch?_

_They exit stage right. Abus walks on. Rose enters stage left with some other Gryffindor girls, nose in the air, purposefully looking right past him._

**Albus:** Rose!

_The girls she’s walking with stop and snicker._

**Rose:** Oh. It’s you.

 **Albus:** What are you on about.

 **Rose:** I don’t want to talk to you. 

**Albus:** What?! Why?

 **Rose:** Are you serious?

 **Albus:** No, that’s my brother … because you know like, he’s James Sirius…

 **Rose:** Just stop, OK? You’re a Slytherin. You’re even rooming with _You-Know-Who’s_ son!

 **Albus:** He is not!

 **Rose:** What, are you like BFFs with him now?

 **Albus:** No! It’s just that is a stupid rumor! You _know_ time turners don’t even go back that far- remember when we tried to calculate how long it would take to spin one a month back when we were seven? 

**Rose:** _(Sighs)_ Look. We can’t be friends. Just don’t talk to me anymore. _(Adjusts her Gryffindor scarf by throwing it over her shoulder as she walks off stage left with the Gryffindors)_ You have that Malfoy boy to be friends with anyway.

 **Albus:** Wait! … Dad said it would be fine if I was in Slytherin… 

_Albus stops in the middle of the empty hallway. Then Peeves floats in, jeering._

**Peeves:** Oh hullo. I hear there are some rumors floating around. Who’s the ugliest ghost?

: Nearly Headless Nick!

 **Peeves:** Ah yes. And who’s this? A slimy Slytherin?

_It’s Potter wee Potter,_

_He’s down in the dumps,_

_For he’s a mangy snake._

_And no ones got love,_

_For Potter the rotter,_

_For they know all Slytherins are fake._

**Albus:** Stop it! Just-just… glue your mouth shut!

 **Peeves:** A meanie too! I should go tell Filch you’re wandering forbidden corridors, I should.

 **Albus:** McGonagall retired Filch twenty years ago-

 **Peeves:** Shut up! Shut up! _(Runs off stage right)_

_Albus walks along dejectedly for a while longer. Teddy runs on stage right, their ‘head person’ badge pinned proudly to their Hufflepuff scarf. They run to catch up with Albus._

**Teddy:** Albus!

 **Albus:** _(Not turning around)_ Hi Teddy. Come to rub more salt in the wound?

 **Teddy:** What? No - has your cousin Rose been giving you a hard time? Don’t worry. You know what she’s like. She’ll come around eventually - they all will.

 **Albus:** _(Turns around and waves his arms)_ No they won’t! Everyone thinks I’m some sort of dark witch!

 **Teddy:** Yeah … it’s disheartening to see how much house division is still alive.

 **Albus:** It’s more than that! Everyone acts like I should be like my dad too! Well I’m sorry I wasn’t _prophosised_ -

_Teddy snorts and tries to cover it up. Albus glares._

**Teddy:** I’m sorry, … I know, people can suck, but you’ve just got to find the ones who don’t, alright? We could use someone like you in my theater club- 

**Albus:** Someone like me?

 **Teddy:** You know, someone with unprocessed dramatics-

_Albus glares._

**Teddy:** We _really_ need a few more people to join so we can register the club and actually perform something. 

**Albus:** No thanks. I don’t need another thing to be picked on for.

 **Teddy:** I won’t let anyone pick on you. 

_Albus shoots them a questioning look._

**Teddy:** Hey! _(Gestures to their ‘Head Person’ badge)_ I run this school!

 **Albus:** _(Rolls his eyes)_ I’ll consider it… _(walks away to stage left)_

 **Teddy:** Wait! You’re going the wrong way!

 **Albus:** How do you know! 

**Teddy:** Because you’re a first year and nobody knows their way around on their first day. Plus, Peeves told me. _(Gestures over their shoulder)_

_They walk off stage right together._

**…**

#  **SCENE 36**

_In the Slytherin dorms, Albus sits sadly on his bed, pulling on socks. The other Slytherin boys leave, sneering at him, but Scorpius stays, despite the fact that he’s fully ready to go. He notices Albus look over at him and pretends to look inside his book bag. Albus looks away. Scorpius looks up._

**Scorpius:** I’m sorry your family’s giving you a hard time.

_Albus bites his lip._

**Scorpius:** We can be friends- if you want.

 **Albus:** What?

 **Scorpius:** Do- do you want to be friends? 

**Albus:** I thought we were-

 **Scorpius:** I mean, because no one else seems to like us, but you don’t have to-

 **Albus:** _(Smiling) Yes,_ Scorpius.

 **Scorpius:** Oh. 

**Albus:** Do you want to walk to class together then? Because us misfits should stick together.

 **Scorpius:** It _is_ the Slytherin way.

 **Albus:** Yeah?

 **Scorpius:** Yeah.

_‘We R Slytherins’ plays and there’s a Slytherin dance. Scorpius and Albus do not participate in blood purity/ specism, but they get into the rest of the song as a hype up._

_Then they stroll through the hallways, passing Rose, Samantha, and Ginger during the scene transition to Yule break._

**…**

#  **SCENE 37**

_Christmas at the Weasley’s. Albus walks on stage right to see Rose, sitting reading a book. He turns around to exit but bumps into Ginny, who is holding a racing broom._

**Albus:** _(Startled)_ Oh. Hi mum. 

**Ginny:** Is something up Albus? 

**Albus:** What - no. 

**Ginny:** Well, your cousin Hugo is looking for someone to play chess with if you’re interested. _(Peers over his shoulder)_ Oh - is Rose up for a match? 

**Albus:** Um - I don’t know - I _(makes a move to go past his mum and out of the door)_

 **Ginny:** _(Stops him)_ Hey, are you and Rose up to something? The last time I’ve seen you two so quiet was James’ birthday.

 **Albus:** No, no… I just need to go- go get some fresh air. _(Pushes past her)_

 **Ginny:** Make sure you put on a coat! And you can always join the game if you want!

 **Albus:** Ew. Quidditch. _(Exiting)_

_Hermione enters stage right, taking off her hat and coat. She goes over to Rose._

**Hermione:** Hiya Pumpkin.

 **Rose:** _(Looks up from book)_ Ugh. Hi Mum. 

**Ginny:** Long day at work, Hermione?

 **Hermione:** Ginny! It’s good to see you! 

_They hug._

**Hermione:** Ugh, yes, it was. But how’s it going with you?

 **Ginny:** _(Smiles)_ Good. The season’s looking up for the Harpies. Plus it’s always good to have everyone back together, and the kids home from school - although I’m starting to suspect Al and Rose are up to something again. I don’t want to be vanishing slime from my mum’s carpet on Christmas day.

 **Hermione:** _(Grimaces and glances over to Rose, who has very deliberately gone back to reading) (Drops voice)_ How’s Harry?

 **Ginny:** He’s doing better again. Currently though, he’s passed out in the kitchen from eating too many biscuits. I think he’s glad other people can watch Lily now. She doesn’t like to sleep, that one. 

_Hermione nods._

**Ginny:** We’re trying to round some people up for a game of Quidditch, are you or Rose interested? 

**Hermione:** No thanks, but I’ll talk to Rose.

_Ginny exits stage right._

**Hermione:** Rose-

 **Rose:** No thanks.

 **Hermione:** _(Sighs)_ Rose, we need to talk.

 **Rose:** Can’t I just read?

 **Hermione:** _(Pushing the book down)_ Look, your dad’s been telling me that something seems off with you and Albus. And you’ve hardly mentioned him in your letters-

 **Rose:** We aren’t planning anything, mum.

 **Hermione:** I know, that’s what worries me.

 **Rose:** It’s not me you should be worried about-

 **Hermione:** Rose, I can’t help worrying, _-_

 **Rose:** -it’s Albus.

 **Hermione:** What? Tell me what’s going on Rose. I can help.

 **Rose:** _(Snorts)_ Can you get someone un-sorted?

 **Hermione:** Oh. You’re upset he got sorted into Slytherin?

 **Rose:** I’m not upset.

_Hermione stares._

**Rose:** I’m not! I just … don’t want to talk to him. 

**Hermione:** And why is that?

_Rose stares. Hermione stares back._

**Rose:** Are you serious right now? He’s a _Slytherin_ mum. 

**Hermione:** And?

 **Rose:** I’m mad. OK? How can he go against everything our family stands for. How can he do that and expect us to still be friends?

 **Hermione:** He’s not going against us. He just got sorted into a different house.

 **Rose:** Slytherins have tried to _kill_ you, mum.

 **Hermione:** _(Fiddles with her sleeve)_ Yes, but so have Gryffindors, and Goblins and Giants. But we fought to change things. We fought so that you wouldn’t have to face what we did. So you wouldn’t be divided and in danger. 

**Rose:** Mum! You wouldn’t even have been allowed into Slytherin!

 **Hermione:** _(Wrinkles her nose)_ Yes, but it’s different now. We took blood out of sorting.

 **Rose:** There’s always blood in sorting. Just because muggleborns are allowed in Slytherin now doesn’t mean they’re any more welcome. No one in their right mind would let the sorting hat put them there! I can’t believe Albus would! It’s like he lied to me our whole childhood! Like a stupid sly Slytherin!

 **Hermione:** Albus didn’t lie to you.

 **Rose:** He once told me that peppermint toads grow on the moon!

 **Hermione:** _(Snorts)_ You can’t blame him for having James as a big brother, Rose. 

**Rose:** Ugh! You don’t get it at all! _(Picks up her book again)_

 **Hermione:** Look, I just want you to know that your houses don’t define you. Most people don’t have any choice over where they go - did you?

 **Rose:** No… but that doesn’t mean he didn’t!

 **Hermione:** Slytherin isn’t about being evil or blood purist. It’s about determination and drive. … You know, I was preparing to have this talk the other way around. I thought you could have been sorted in Slytherin. 

**Rose:** What! Mum! How could you even- urg! _(Picks up book and stands up)_

 **Hermione:** Where are you going?

 **Rose:** I don’t know! Outside! To play some Quidditch! _(Stomps away)_

**…**

#  **SCENE 38**

_Outside the Burrow Albus is crouched on the ground, hand outstretched, hissing to some garden snakes. Rose storms on stage left in a fury and bumps into him._

**Albus:** _(Spins around)_ What do you _want_ ! - _(softens)_ Oh. Rose.

 **Rose:** _(Steps back, dusting off her robes, disgusted)_ What are you _doing._ Is that _parseltongue?_

**Albus:** _(Smiling)_ The snakes in gran’s back yard remembered me, do you remember when we-

 **Rose:** I should have known you’d be a Slytherin. Parseltongue is an _evil_ language.

 **Albus:** _(Hurt)_ It’s just genetic, Rose. _You_ used to say you wished you could talk to snakes like my dad. _(Mocking voice)_ The savior of the wizarding world.

 **Rose:** Well. I grew up. _(Heads past him)_ I came out here for the game, anyway, not to talk to you. 

**Albus:** Wait, Rose, you’ll need-

 **Rose:** I don’t need anything from you!

_Albus flinches._

**Rose:** Just, don’t talk to me! _(Continues storming off)_

_Teddy walks on stage right and Rose runs into them._

**Teddy:** Oh, hi Rose. Headed to the game? 

**Rose:** Yeah.

 **Teddy:** You’ll need a broom…

 **Rose:** Oh. 

_Teddy turns her around and they start walking back together._

**Rose:** Actually - um -well-

_Teddy notices Albus, and looks back to Rose who is looking everywhere but at Albus._

**Teddy:** You know, Rose, Albus has been pretty lonely these past few days.

 **Rose:** And why is this my problem?

 **Teddy:** Because you’re the two musketeers?

 **Rose:** _(Rolls her eyes, then looks at the ground moodily)_ Not anymore.

 **Teddy:** And why’s that?

 **Rose:** Honestly! What’s with everyone and ignoring the obvious lately!

 **Teddy:** I just thought I should tell you he’s been missing you.

 **Rose:** He has not. 

**Teddy:** _Rose,_ seriously?

 **Rose:** Either way, it doesn’t matter, because I don’t miss him.

 **Teddy:** So what’s up, then?

 **Rose:** What’s up is that everyone keeps bothering me about it. … Like it’s my fault. _I_ wasn’t the one to get sorted into Slytherin.

 **Teddy:** OK, OK.

 **Rose:** … So, what’s up with you?

 **Teddy:** N.E.W.T.s. I want to get an Outstanding in transfiguration so I can have a shot at getting an internship as a student teacher at Hogwarts.

 **Rose:** Teddy, you’re literally a Metamorphagus. You’ll crush it!

 **Teddy:** Thanks for the vote of confidence, Rose, but you should see the material…

 **Rose:** Can I?

 **Teddy:** Sure, as long as you promise not to get up to too much mischief…

 **Rose:** … None of my friends are too fussed about pranks, so I doubt it.

 **Teddy:** Well, I know someone who is…

 **Rose:** I am not talking to Albus. Anyway, my friends would never understand. Everyone thinks he’s a dark witch, you know.

 **Teddy:** And you don’t think you know him better than that?

 **Rose:** I _thought_ I did.

 **Teddy:** Look, just talk to him. I promise he won’t curse you. - Don’t curse him.

 **Rose:** I only know, like, three spells, Teddy. And, no. 

_Teddy pushes her toward Albus. She drags her heels._

**Teddy:** Albus! How’s it going? The offer to join my theater club still stands, you know.

 **Albus:** _(Rolls his eyes, then notices Rose and shrinks in on himself a bit)_ Um, hi.

_Rose stays silent. Teddy glares at her._

**Rose:** Hi.

 **Teddy:** I’m going to go do my transfiguration homework in the study… _(Shuts door behind them as they exit stage right)_

_Rose makes an expression like ‘Seriously!?’_

**Albus:** Um, I better go inside too, it’s pretty cold out here. 

_Albus tries the door. It’s locked._

**Albus:** _For Merlin’s sake!_

 **Rose:** What is it? 

**Albus:** The door’s locked!

 **Rose:** _What on earth are you up to, Teddy._

 **Albus:** Uh, well I guess I’ll go on a walk then to keep warm. _(Heads off)_

 **Rose:** Wait- Al-

 **Albus:** _(Turns around)_ Um, yeah?

 **Rose:** Do you think- could you- uh- I mean. _(Rushed)_ I know you’re not a dark witch Albus.

 **Albus:** Oh. Thanks?

 **Rose:** And I know you didn’t _choose_ to be in Slytherin.

 **Albus:** Okay… is this why Teddy locked us out? To force you to make nice?

 **Rose:** Maybe… But they can’t _force_ me to do anything. I could always break in through the kitchen window.

 **Albus:** So, what were they on about with that whole ‘I shall be in the study’ business.

 **Rose:** N.E.W.T. level transfiguration material... They’re goading me.

 **Albus:** Oh… You know, I heard Uncle Percy will be arriving tonight…

 **Rose:** _(Grinning mischievously)_ Yeah?

_They walk off stage left._

_Hermione enters stage left, into the lounge._

**Hermione:** Rose Granger-Weasley! Get down here this instant and explain why all of your grandmother’s jumpers are embroidered with profanity! I know _I_ didn’t teach you how to knit! ...You weren’t even interested then. _(Tries to sit down, but falls on the floor)_ And where did you put all the chairs!?

_Teddy walks on stage, reading their Transfiguration textbook._

**Teddy:** Aunt Hermione? Could you help me with this question? Where do vanished objects go?  
 **Hermione:** Well, there are only theoretical answers - Wait a minute. Rosaline! Just because you achieved highly advanced magic does not mean I won’t take away your broom!

_Ginny walks on stage right._

**Ginny:** Do either of you two know why the broom closet is now full to bursting with all the chairs in this house? _(After looking at Hermione and Teddy’s faces)_ Albus! Rose! Where are they?

_They walk off stage, the scene changes to Rose and Albus outside. Rose is flying, Albus is running besides her._

**Rose:** That was incredible!

 **Albus:** There’s nothing like the first prank of the holidays!

 **Rose:** _(Grinning)_ Yeah.

 **Albus:** Any plans for when we get back to school?

 **Rose:** … This is great Albus, but we can’t hang out at school. I’m still a Gryffindor and you’re still a Slytherin. _(Flies ahead, off stage right)_

 **Albus:** _(Stops running)_ Alright.

**…**

_A Basilisk slithers along the Hogwarts halls._

**...**

#  **SCENE 39**

_Rose walks on stage right, into the Gryffindor common room with the Gryffindor girls._

**Ginger:** Rose! Did you see Cory yesterday? I could swear he’s gotten taller since summer break! 

**Samantha:** I bet he’s going to try out for Beater again this year! He’ll definitely make the team now, he’s so strong! Carrying all those books...

 **Rose:** We all carry the same type of books, Samantha. Plus, who needs to be strong if you can cast a good levitating charm?

 **Samantha:** Yes, well, you can’t fault me for thinking he’s fit _(giggles)._

 **Rose:** I might try out for Beater this year. My uncle George has been training me, but my mum thinks it’s too dangerous. 

_They start making their way out of the portrait hole._

**Ginger:** Quidditch? How could it be dangerous?

 **Samantha:** Yeah, we have magic.

 **Rose:** I know, right? That’s what my dad says. 

**Violet:** He played Keeper back in the day, you know. Won the house cup for Gryffindor - I still remember the parties. And the racket _‘Weasley is our king, Weasley is our King…’_

 **Rose:** Who are you?

 **Ginger:** Yeah, where’s the Fat Lady?

 **Violet:** I’m covering her shift.

 **Rose:** Covering her shift? I didn’t know portraits had shifts.

 **Violet:** Well, sometimes, when a portrait drinks too much of the rum in the painting of the monks on the Sixth floor, they need to go pass out somewhere quiet where chattering children won’t interrupt them every few seconds. 

_The children stand quietly for a moment._

**Rose:** So, who are you?

 **Violet:** My name is Lady Violet-

 **Samantha:** Lady Violet- As in Violet the Tipsy?

 **Violet:** No. A trait cannot be a name-

 **Samantha:** Then how come Nearly-Headless-Nick is Nearly-Headless-Nick?

 **Violet:** He’s not. Now hurry along children. ... _Weasley is our King, Weasley is our King…_

_The girls start to walk away._

**Rose:** Well, someday soon it’s going to be Weasley is our Queen. And nobody will be talking about stupid Cory anymore.

_Ginger and Samantha exchange glances._

**Samantha:** ...Rose, I hope I don’t sound rude, but do you … _root for the Harpies?_

_Ginger looks shocked._

**Ginger:** _Samantha!_

 **Rose:** The HollyHead Harpies? Maybe? My aunt is on the team…

 **Samantha:** No, I mean, _do you root for them? (Winks)._

 **Rose:** What? No. I’m not a lesbian-

 **Samantha:** It’d be totally OK if you were, it’s just - you really seem to hate talking about Cory.

 **Ginger:** Yeah, you didn’t even notice that he was staring at you all through charms.

 **Rose:** What? Why would he do that? Is that why Professor Flitwick had to ask him that question about the O.W.L.s three times? Because that was seriously annoying. 

**Ginger:** He clearly has a crush on you!

 **Rose:** Ew. Why?

 **Ginger:** I don’t know. Is it that hard to imagine?

 **Rose:** I just don’t like him back.

 **Samantha:** Who do you like then?

 **Rose:** Nobody.

 **Ginger:** Come on Rose, you can tell us.

 **Rose:** Seriously. I don’t have a crush on anyone. 

_Just then they bump into Scorpius and Albus. Rose drops her books and Scorpius picks them up._

**Scorpius:** Sorry Rose.

 **Rose:** _(Not looking at either of the boys)_ It’s fine, _Malfoy_.

 **Samantha:** OoOoh!

 **Rose:** What?

 **Samantha:** He likes you.

 **Rose:** No.

 **Ginger:** You like him! That’s why you didn’t tell us who your crush was! 

**Samantha:** Oh! It’s so romantic!

 **Rose:** He’s a Slytherin.

 **Samantha:** That’s what makes it so romantic! It’s a forbidden love story!

 _They dance to Wizard Love by Meekakitty ft. Heyhihello. Rose keeps shaking her head (ect) but forcing_ herself _to keep dancing, Scorpius looks awkward, Albus looks jealous. Samantha, Ginger, and Albus leave the stage. Scorpius and Rose stand face to face, like they’re about to kiss. Finally they both crack, turning away with his face scrunched up._

 **Both:** Nope. I’m sorry, I can’t - I-

_Samantha runs on stage left, terrified._

**Samantha:** Rose! A-a Basilisk! It took Ginger!

_Rose and Scorpius look afraid._

**Rose:** Took her?

 **Samatha:** I only saw its tail. Huge and green and scaly. But she was in front of it. She froze up. I-I think she was petrified. Then it picked her up and slithered off!

 **Rose:** To the Chamber of Secrets. 

**Samantha:** I suppose. What do we do?

 **Scorpius:** We need to find Headmistress McGonagall, then she can find a group of talented witches and rescue Ginger, and make sure no other students go missing - wait

 **Rose and Scorpius:** Where’s Albus?

 **Samantha:** H-he followed the snake! I think maybe he’s controlling it. Everyone says he’s a dark witch!

 **Rose:** Albus. Would. Never. _(Takes off running, off stage left)_

 **Samantha:** Rose! 

**Scorpius:** Where is she going? 

**Samantha:** To do something risky. … _(realising, saddened)_ We have to stop her. _(Steps after her)_

 **Scorpius:** _(Holds her back, clearly pained, speaks slowly)_ No, we have to get help.

_They run off stage right._

**...**

_A Basilisk slithers along the Hogwarts halls._

**…**

#  **SCENE 40**

_Back at Bathilda’s, Sybill is passed out on the floor slowly waking up, the snake is entangled around Bathilda._

**Death Eater:** What did she just say?

 **Severus:** _(Shakes self)_ It’s not important. Now let’s finish this job.

_(Make a choice music)_

_Rita runs on stage left, behind the Death Eaters, and pauses, taking in the scene. She takes her wand out stealthily and aims it at the Death Eater’s back._

_(Make a choice!)_

**Rita:** _Stupefy!_

_The Death Eater falls to the floor, stunned. Severus turns around, wand out._

**Severus:** Ah, Rita, how good of you to join us. _Mordio!_

 **Rita:** _Protego!_

_Sybill slowly pulls herself into a sitting position behind Severus._

**Severus:** Now what are you doing with this lot, Rita? You’re the most Slytherin of us all, you could be a great snake, like me. 

_(Make a choice, make a choice)_

_Severus aims a kick at Bathilda_

**Rita:** _(Like a sob) Impedimenta!_

_Severus moves in slow motion for a step._

_(Make a choice, make a choice)_

**Rita:** You’re no snake. You’re a rodent. _(Gestures to self)_ and _snakes_ kill rodents. _Diffendio!_

_Severus gasps and holds his side, raises his wand for a spell._

**Severus:** You’ll regret that. _Bombar-_

 **Sybill:** _Confundus!_

_Severus drops his wand and holds his head,_

**Sybill:** Take that for an idiotic prophetess. You forgot that my other gift was charms. _Stupefy!_

_Snape trips over and passes out. Rita crouches down beside Bathilda, and sobs._

**Rita:** She’s dead. 

**Sybill:** _(Sobs, breaths, then reaches for Rita’s hand)_ We need to get out of here quick, before more Death Eaters come. 

**Rita:** I’m sorry I wasn’t back in time to save her. 

**Sybill:** We can still save ourselves. 

_Rita and Sybill head out the door together. Just outside, Sybill looks back over her shoulder._

**Sybill:** _(Softly)_ Goodbye, home.

 **Rita:** Goodbye.

**...**

_A Basilisk slithers along the Hogwarts halls._

**...**

#  **SCENE 41**

_Albus enters stage left and runs along a corridor. He stops at a doorway and takes a deep breath._

**Albus:** This is it. The Chamber of Secrets. _(Make a Choice Reprise)_ It’s time I changed Slytherin’s story. _(Takes wand out and steps inside)._

_The doorway moves off stage. Rose enters stage right, running, looking around for where to go. Sir Cadigan’s portrait comes onstage._

**Cadigan:** My lady, why in such a hurry?

 **Rose:** Tell me how to get to the Chamber of Secrets, or fuck off, Cadigan. 

**Cadigan:** _(Following her into a new portrait, contorting to its frame, putting his hands on his hips)_ Well, there’s no need for such harsh words-

 **Rose:** _(Pauses in front of the painting and growls) Tell. Me._

 **Cadigan:** _(Pulls out Sword and points in front of him)_ Follow me! _(Runs off stage left)_

_Rose follows. They enter again on stage right, Cadigan fitting into new frames. They stop outside the same doorway Albus went in._

**Cadigan:** What will you do now?

 **Rose:** _(Takes out her wand and steps through the threshold)_ Save my friends.

 **Cadigan:** Then you will need this, my Lady. Let it guide you like it has me. _(Takes of his hat and hands it to her)_

 **Rose:** The sorting hat? How did you do that? You’re a painting.

 **Cadigan:** The castle has its ways.

**…**

#  **SCENE 42**

_The Chamber of Secrets. Ginger stands frozen in the corner. A Basilisk slithers on stage. Albus walks on stage left with an arm over his eyes and his wand out. He hisses._

**Albus:** _Hisss._ Where are you? _Hissss._ Stay away from her!

_The Basilisk hisses back._

**Albus:** You _can_ understand me! Just like those garden snakes. Listen. _Hisss. Sks Sks Skss._ Who’s commanding you? Who brought you back?

_The Basilisk hisses, circling him._

**Albus:** No-one? But how? _Hissss ksss sss._

_The Basilisk hisses, closing in._

**Albus:** _(Realisation)_ It’s dark magic. It’s grown in the school, in this chamber. From all the wars, all the betrayals. Fulfilling the twisted demands of Salazar Slytherin. _HISSSS._

_The Basilisk hisses._

**Albus:** _HISSS. I don’t._ I don’t stand for it. Whatever they say. I won’t let you do it. I’ll do anything to achieve my ends. _Hisss._ And they’ll know when they find my body. That I didn’t do it. _Hisss._ That I saved her. _Hisss._

_The Basilisk hisses and closes in. Albus gasps._

**Albus:** _Bombardio! Confringo! Diffendio!_

_The Basilisk hisses, tightening around Albus._

**Albus:** _Hisssss._ NO! _Mordio! Hisss --_

_Rose runs in stage left._

**Rose:** Albus! 

**Albus:** Rose? Why are you here?

_The Basilisk hisses._

**Albus:** _(Gasping)_ Rose! Cover your eyes!

_The Basilisk turns around and Rose yanks the Sorting hat down over her eyes just in time._

**Rose:** How do I fight? _(Sorting hat speaks in her head)_ Let what guide me-? _(Falls over, sits up dazed, eyes screwed shut and feels around for the hat. She picks it up, and hears Albus scream)_ Albus! 

_The Basilisk hisses, and turns towards Rose again, Albus still struggling in its clutches._

**Rose:** You damned beast! Stay away from my friends! 

_(Make a choice!)_

_(Pulls the sword out of the hat). Woah. (The sword guides her to the Basilisk, and she swings and kills it)._

_The Basilisk hisses, and falls to the floor, releasing Albus. Rose opens her eyes and scans the room._

**Rose:** _Ginger… (looks down and sees Albus struggling)_ Albus! ( _Runs to Albus, helps him out of the basilisk’s hold, and supports him when he nearly falls down)_ What were you doing? You could have died!

 **Albus:** You could have too. 

**Rose:** Exactly! With actions that reckless you could be mistaken for a Gryffindor!

 **Albus:** But I’m not. I’m a Slytherin. I even speak parseltongue. 

**Rose:** I know.

 **Albus:** But I don’t believe in what built this chamber. I came here to save her.

 **Rose:** I know. _(Takes Albus over to kneel beside Ginger, touches her forehead)_ See, she’s only petrified, _(gulps)_ She’ll be back to normal in a few weeks, once the potions brewed. _(Shakes)_

_Albus puts an arm around her back._

**Rose:** See, we saved her. You saved her. 

**Albus:** _(Hides his head in her shoulder)_ Rose…before...did you mean it?

 **Rose:** Mean what?

 **Albus:** When you said you were my friend.

 **Rose:** Of course. If you’ll have me.

 **Albus:** Yes. 

_Two professors run on stage left. They shiver._

**Professor 2:** The magic down here, it’s evil.

_They gasp when they see the Basilisk, and the sword lying next to it,_

**Flitwick:** The Basilisk. It’s been killed.

_They rush over to the students._

**Flitwick:** Is this everyone who was taken? 

**Professor 2:** Is everyone alright? 

**Rose:** Yes, Professors. Ginger is petrified though.

 **Professor 2:** We’ll get her to the hospital wing. She’ll have a speedy recovery under Madam Pomfrey’s care. And I’ll have a potion ready in a fortnight. _(Helping them carry Ginger out of the Chamber)_

 **Flitwick:** I’ll stay here and check for more eggs. Send more professors down as soon as you can. 

**…**

#  **SCENE 43**

_Outside the Hospital wing. Rose and Albus sit. Scorpius and Samatha run on stage right. They stop as soon as they see Rose and Albus, relief flooding their features._

**Samantha:** Is she alright?

 **Rose:** Madam Pomfrey’s with her in the other room _(gestures over her shoulder, off stage left)_.

 **Samantha:** _(Hugs Rose)_ You were so brave and stupid. Never do that again. _(Leaves stage left)._

 **Scorpius:** _(Walks slowly over to Albus, before kneeling before him, and putting Albus’s hand on his chest)_ I thought you were going to die. Why did you do it?

 **Albus:** _(Leaning his head towards Scorpius’)_ The basilisk was going to kill her.

 **Scorpius:** You don’t just rush into battle alone at age fifteen. You would have died too.

 **Albus:** I- I thought that would be right. 

**Scorpius:** What.

 **Albus:** Because I’m a Slytherin. Our house caused this. The odds needed to be re-settled.

 **Scorpius:** Not with your life. It’s not your price to pay, and you can’t make anything better like that. All you can do is live _your_ life. _Please._

 **Albus:** _(Takes a shaky breath)_ I won’t do it again, Scorpius. _(Tries to rest his forehead against Scopius’s, but Scorpius turns his head to look at Rose, Albus turns his head back with his hand)._ It’s okay. I don’t want to hide anymore.

 **Scorpius:** _(Grins)_ You don’t?

 **Rose:** What are you talking about?

_Albus stands up and offers his hand to Scorpius. Wizard Love Reprise (Because you’re a Potter and I’m a Malfoy, instead of gryf and slyth) :’)_

_Teddy enters stage right and wipes a tear from their eye._

**Teddy:** Now you lot _have_ to join my punk theatre club! 

**Scorpius:** Punk theatre club?

 **Teddy:** Yeah, we just need a couple more members before we can make it official.

 **Scorpius:** Sure! Sign me up!

_Albus looks back and forth between them once._

**Albus:** I’ll join then, I guess.

 **Rose:** Me too! I need more extracurriculars.

 **Teddy:** Yes! My horoscope said this would be a good day! Let’s go!

_They all exit stage right._

**…**

#  **SCENE 44**

_Teddy enters stage right with Albus, Scorpius, and Rose. There is a Hufflepuff waiting. They are reading a newspaper called The Prophetess, with a large horoscope section by Sybill Trelawney and a front page by Rita Skeeter which states “MS. GRUBBLYPLANK WINS CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES RESEARCH AWARD”._

**Teddy:** Daniel! We have guests!

 **Daniel:** _(Stands up, unfurls a banner and throws some confetti)_ Whoo! Finally! I’ve been waiting years to do that.

 **Teddy:** Break out the butterbeer! Let’s get this initiation ceremony started!

 **Rose:** Butterbeer? I don’t think teaching assistants should be providing students with alcohol. 

**Teddy:** Rose? Are the stress of the O.W.L.s breaking you? Butterbeer is not alcoholic for humans. So unless one of you is secretly an elf… _(scans the three kids)_

 **Scorpius:** _(Mutters under his breath)_ It has been known to happen…

 **Teddy:** What did you _find_ , Dan?

 **Daniel:** Well, I _found_ the Scarf of Sexual Preference.

 **Rose:** No way! That thing’s been lost for centuries! It’s so cool!

 **Albus:** I dunno… I’m not so keen to be sorted again…

 **Teddy:** Don’t worry, there’s no shame here - But you don’t have to. There’s no rush. 

**Albus:** No. I think I’m ready.

_Rose signs the membership sheet and puts on the Scarf of Sexual Preference._

**Scarf:** Aromantic-Asexual!

 **Rose:** That makes sense.

_Scorpius signs and puts on the Scarf._

**Scarf:** Biromantic Asexual!

 **Scorpius:** What a surprise.

_Albus is sorted as gay. He just smiles._

_Teddy is sorted as Pan. Daniel is sorted as Queer._

**Teddy:** After decades of this club being held back in the darkness by tyranny, I am thrilled to announce that the QSA Drama club is back! With a completely queer production! _(raises glass)_

_Everyone toasts._

_They do the Hufflpuff dance number. ‘Sorted this Way’._

_They all exit, Teddy picks up the_ Prophetess _on their way out and reads the front page._

 **Teddy:** Oh, good for Professor GrubblyPlank, she really helped me when I started questioning the construct of gender.

**…**

#  **SCENE 45**

_Sybill wakes up in Rita’s arms, on the floor in Hogwarts. Other people move around tending to the fallen._

**Sybill:** _(Breathing heavily) Rita._ Did you see that too? 

**Rita:** _(Nods and brushes Sybill’s hair out of her eyes)_ It was a beautiful vision, Sybilline. House unity, our own newspaper… and you were right. The war is over. 

**Sybill:** _(Sits up and leans on Rita)_ Then there’s something I need to do.

 **Rita:** Me too. _(Stands up and helps Sybill up)_

_Rita and Sybill walk off stage right. Then they walk on stage right together. They are wearing coats, and there is a gravestone in the center of the stage. Rita has an arm around Sybill. They stop before a gravestone. Sybill takes Rita’s hand and crouches down. She fetches a bag of coins out of her jacket, and shakes them out onto the grave._

**Sybill:** I owed you this.

 **Rita:** Don’t be stupid. _(picks up the coins)_ ...She told me she wanted you to have it. She wanted you to make it out into the world. _(Puts the money back into Sybill’s hands, joining them together)_

 **Sybill:** Still… _(Puts a knut down on the top of the gravestone)._ Thank you for all you’ve done for me. May in magic rest your soul.

 **Rita:** In magic rest your soul. _(Wraps her arms around Sybill, and puts her head on Sybill’s shoulder)_

**...**

#  **SCENE 46**

_Harry and Albus stand at Platform 9¾, ready to send Albus off to Sixth Year._

**Harry:** _(Crouching down)_ Now, Albus Severus Potter-

 **Albus:** Why are you crouching? I’m going into Sixth Year. I’m basically as tall as you now. 

**Harry:** Well- _(Stands up and puts a hand on Ablus’s shoulder)_ Sixth Year. I remember my Sixth Year … it was my last year at Hogwarts - you’re going to stay for seventh year now, don’t listen to your uncle George. 

**Albus:** Yes dad. 

**Harry:** And don’t try out any illegal spells from unverified sources-

 **Albus:** What? What kind of idiot do you think I am?

 **Harry:** Hey! - And don’t start stalking Malfoy.

 **Albus:** I don’t need to stalk him, we’re-

 **Harry: -** Roommates, I know, but still. And think about joining the Quidditch team, alright?

 **Albus:** I’ve told you a hundred times! I hate flying!

 **Harry:** Sport’s a great way to make friends-

 **Albus:** I don’t need any more friends. I already have everything I need.

 **Harry:** C’mon, that Malfoy boy? 

**Albus:** His name is Scorpius. 

**Harry:** He’s a _Malfoy_. Or maybe worse...

 **Albus:** _Merlins Balls!_

 **Harry:** Language!

 **Albus:** I can’t believe you! Do you seriously trust those rumors?

 **Harry:** No… It’s just… His family was tangled up in that stuff, you know!

 **Albus:** So? Are you just going to judge him because of his father’s mistakes? _I_ already get judged enough for being _your_ son! I’m so tired of it! I don’t like Quidditch, I’m not a Gryfindor, I haven’t saved the world, and I’m not a great witch! I’m not anything like you!

 **Harry:** Albus-

 **Albus:** I _hate_ being a Potter! You hate the Malfoy name so much? Well guess what. I’m taking it as soon as I turn of age!

 **Harry:** What?! Albus, think about what you’re saying, you’re making a scene.

 **Albus:** Well, I’m sorry I’m not an easy child like James or Lily! 

**Harry:** Nobody’s an easy child.

_Draco and Scorpius enter the platform, from stage left. As soon as Draco spots Harry his eyes narrow._

**Draco:** Potter.

 **Harry:** Malfoy.

 **Draco:** I don’t suppose you have anything to do with the stuff my son’s been telling me-

_But he’s cut off as Albus and Scorpius spot each other and run towards another._

**Albus:** Scorpius! Babe!

 **Scorpius:** Al!

 **Albus:** I missed you so much.

 **Scorpius:** Me too.

 **Draco:** Scorpius! Just you wait until your grandfather hears about this! I mean -what exactly- what the hell is this?

 **Scorpius:** _(Rolls his eyes)_ What I’ve been telling you about all summer.

 **Draco:** But-but- I didn’t think you were _really_.

 **Harry:** _(Turning to Draco)_ I’m just as shocked, truly.

 **Albus:** Really?! What did you think that letter you got from McGonagall about finding us in a broom closet was about!

 **Harry:** Shenanigans! 

**Draco:** Shenanigans?!

 **Harry:** Pranks!

 **Albus:** _(Rolls his eyes, and tugs Scorpius’s hand towards stage left)_ See you at Christmas, Dad.

_Scorpius waves. The two boys exit._

**Draco:** … So… Potter… I suppose we should prepare to be inlaws.

 **Harry:** I don’t know what pureblood traditions you’re hyped up on, but they are way too young to be talking about marriage!

_Then they dance to Waterloo by ABBA -Emphasis on the “The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself”_

**…**

**END OF MUSICAL**

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading! If you would like translations for the french or more information about the pantomime, please comment :)


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